It happens all the time—you and someone you know disagree about something more important than who has the best curry in town, and you need to hash it out. Whether it’s a peer, your boss, your landlord, or your kid’s teacher, you want to err on the side of delicacy and professionalism.
So how do you do that in a way that’s respectful—and ultimately productive? You want to make your perspective clear, confident, and compelling without anyone feeling attacked or at cross purposes. Below, we’ll suggest a few handy phrases and strategies to help you disagree respectfully.
Is this the place?
Occasionally, the best way to respectfully disagree isn’t in writing at all. A live conversation may be a better way to ask and answer questions, exchange thoughts, and build consensus. Consider this before getting carried away with a long draft enumerating your righteous points.
It may even turn out what seemed like a disagreement was more of a misunderstanding. Phew.
>>READ MORE: How to Give Difficult Feedback
Keep it tight; empathize
Suppose your landlord emails to say while they’d hoped to upgrade your kitchen windows next month, it’s now looking more likely the month after. You could detail your displeasure in a three-page tirade, but that sounds exhausting and may make you seem irrational. One or two sentences should suffice:
“Thanks for the update, Daryl. That’s later than we’d hoped, and I don’t imagine having this process drag on is any fun for you, either.”
Note how that last part acknowledges Daryl has feelings and a point of view in this, too. This shows respect and is key to resolving your disagreement—as is this next item.
Politely disagreeing with a coworker via email? 🧐
— Grammarly (@Grammarly) August 14, 2020
Ask questions; empathize some more
Questions can politely point to what you want without seeming unduly demanding or unkind. Picking up where we left off with your landlord above, you might next ask this:
“Is there any way to expedite the installation? If not, could we negotiate a reduction to our rent or our portion of the heating bill in the meantime, since our kitchen is so drafty?”
Questions also keep the conversation moving forward and show you value the other person’s input. And if you’re worried the many questions you’re asking will become annoying, a concise way to acknowledge as much is, “Not to belabor this, but…” (That said, do try to read the vibe and avoid belaboring anything you don’t have to.)
Leave the snark in your drafts folder
If, moments after receiving a note you disagree with, you feel the urge to send back a one-word response like “Interesting,” just don’t. Instead, stand up, drink some water, and go for a walk around the block. Think about your ideal outcome and how best to get there, while keeping in mind that acting impulsively probably won’t win anyone over.
Alas, not every disagreement is going to end favorably for you. Grammarly can improve your odds by catching avoidable missteps—including coming off the wrong way to your reader. Grammarly’s tone detector can help make sure your writing hits just the right notes.