Writing Feedback -- Sentence Fluency (OLD THREAD)
Dear Answers Community,
Many of our Grammarly Answers users would like feedback on the overall quality of their writing, in particular the fluidity of sentences. In response, we have created this featured question where users may post a brief paragraph (5-10 lines) and have it assessed for overall sentence fluency.
If you are interested in posting, feel free to post your paragraph as an 'Answer' and the community can provide feedback via the comments linked to each 'Answer'.
GA Moderator and Administrator
Nice initiative, Kimberly. I have been following Grammarly Answers for some time now, and you are doing a great job in helping out us learners to understand English language. Not to forget, Grammarly editor is, simply put, an insanely awesome tool!
Coming from the third-world country, we learned English as a basic language. I have been blogging for three years now, it was since then English language sparked my interest. I would love to be more fluid in thoughts, have a better writing structure and add humor to my writing.
Any tips? :) Also, if you can point out any mistake in any of my discussion -- including this one -- please let me know.
|link||answered May 13 '11 at 11:01 Sidharth New member|
Multi-faceted , effiicient, reliable,detailed professional with over 20 years of Customer Service experience, with a background in mortgage banking, consumer loans and branch banking. Proficient in Microsoft Excel, Word Powerpoint and Outlook software. Excellent accountability,organizational and interpersonal skills.
|link||answered May 15 '11 at 05:20 Tricksr ForKids New member|
Please rewrite that sentence to make it clearer.
"Candidates have been known to score high marks in one year (but to fail in some other subject) and then to score less than the pass mark in the following year's English examination."
And another question: In your opinion, has that sentence been wrongly written?
|link||answered May 11 '11 at 22:58 coraliecinq Contributor|
By watching this documentary, I learned how idiotic I have been about my life. I considered myself as a bird living in a cage where there was no freedom and no joy at all. I thought I was unlucky to be born this way. Yet, as I watch this girl, around my age, diligently going through hardships and striving to live with her daughter, I realized my stress and pain were nothing compared to hers. Moreover, I found myself thinking I was fortunate for having parents who support me and my endeavor (so thank you mom and dad). Last but not least, I really respect the main character in Love. If most people were in her circumstances, they would have given up the baby. However, the main character is mature and takes responsibility for her action.
Does it flow well?
|link||answered May 18 '11 at 04:25 mk New member|
"The unprecedent popularity of the Harry Potter novels is such that Pottermania -a pop culture phenomenon on the order of the Beatles- has gone far beyond the boundaries of his homeland, England, where Rowling's roots are firmly planted. Since 1997, 260 million copies have sold worldwide, and in 62 languages. Clearly, the magic of Harry Potter has cut across international boundaries to reach the broadest possible spectrum of readers: gender, age, and religious affiliations are not obstacles."
Shouldn't "have sold" be changed to "have been sold"?
Why is there a comma between "worldwide" and "and"? (I think it's unnecessary.)
Is there verbal time agreement between "has cut" and "are"? I think it would be better if that combination were changed to "has been cutting + are", or to "has cut + hasn't been obstacles".
|link||answered Jun 08 '11 at 11:58 coraliecinq Contributor|
To represent the Brazilian Ministry of Defense and the Brazilian Aeronautics Command before the US Department of Defense, US Air Force and the Department of National Defence of Canada; to plan, to organize and to escort official visits to the military establishments of the hosts Armed Forces and to supervise, to guide and to give administrative support to the military carrying out missions and in transit crews, in order to keep the good relationship between the Brazilian Armed Forces and the one of the hosts countries. "
I've seen that text and I didn't like the way it started. I wonder it wouldn't be better if they changed the verbs with 'to' (to represent, to organise, to plan, etc) for the ing form.
What's your opinion? Is that text well written?
*That text was here: http://www.brasilemb.org/ad-eua/mission.htm
|link||answered Jun 24 '11 at 21:10 coraliecinq Contributor|
Extra Virgin Olive Oil has been used for centuries in Mediterranean diets and is now widely used in the West. It’s recognised that adding Extra Virgin Olive Oil to our diet helps us burn body fat and gives valuable benefits to our heart and arteries. This is because olive oil is an unsaturated fat and increases the blood’s amount of “good cholesterol” or high density lipids. These lipids, also known as HDL, cleanse cholesterol from the arteries. We can increase our HDL levels and metabolism by substituting olive oil for butter or margarine.
|link||answered Jun 28 '11 at 09:21 owenbrenda New member|
would you please check the sentence fluency for this paragarph?
After two years, I will prove to them how a pertinacious person, who is single minded in the pursuit of my goal, can succeed. I will put tremendous amount of effort to overcome foreboding obstacles that no one could imagine and you’ll regret how you rebuke me for being slow learner.
You’ll have same social status as before while I am moving a step up in the society. Your words may have incited me to study, but it also tore my hear apart. I am not going to be same person who spits out the words that stab others’ minds. Yet, I’ll make you feel how I felt. You were the worst teacher I’ve ever had. You rendered that you are famous in this country. However, I found out recently that it was not you’re teaching that made students to go good colleges. It was out of luck.
|link comment||answered Jun 30 '11 at 11:18 mk New member|
"There is the law of focus (this one thing I do). There is the law of protocol (every environment has expectations). When the President of the United States went over seas to another country, he was briefed and talked how to address the leader of the other country. The purpose of protocol is to remove disconfort from an environment and to convey an environment of importance."
Is the use of past tense correct in "When the President of the United States WENT over seas to another country, he WAS briefed and talked"?
I don't know if using simple present instead of that past would flow better.
I heard that "text" here, from 7:50 onwards: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YQzvMEb9-A
|link||answered Jul 02 '11 at 22:43 Frederik de Klerk New member|
Writing feedback for this text, please?
The Tourist Houses, present in the three main tourist corridors of the city, are support points for those who are visiting the capital of the State of Ceará.
The July vacations attract millions of tourists to the city of Fortaleza. Hosting them well is the vocation of the city, that is why the City Council of Fortaleza, Through its Secretary of Tourism, maintains three Tourist Houses in the main tourist corridors of the city. Those who visit the capital city of the state may find these support points at the sidewalk of Beach Avenue, at Ferreira Square and in the Central Market.
In all the Tourist House, the tourist is able to access computer terminals connected to the internet and to the main tourist websites, with information about the city and some itineraries outside the capital. Besides that, the tourist may count of services of fax receiving and telephone calls for free numbers, such as call centers of air line companies.
In the Houses, there are TVs where information videos about the capital and other itineraries are presented. Guides, maps and other information materials are also available for the tourists. In all the three units there are bilingual attendants working during the three shifts.
|link||answered Jul 13 '11 at 18:29 coraliecinq Contributor|
In today’s modernised and globalised world, people are more conscious of their health and fitness. Moreover, there has not only been competition on professional but also on personal basis too. Everybody wants to look attractive and fit as compared to others. For this, a good diet, exercise and mediation should be adopted as part of healthy lifestyle as discussed below.
Firstly, to lead a healthy life, good diet is really important. It should include essential nutrients required by our body such as carbohydrates, iron, minerals, vitamins, and proteins. Also people should always consider their drinking and smoking habits as it has a great impact on their well being. For instance, heavy drinking can only lead to liver failure or are prone to more accidents as well as leading wrong example for their kids who look up to them as their role models. Secondly, exercises, meditation and engaging themselves in sports are another source for the people to be fit. Furthermore, these activities not only make us fit but also great stress reliever. As we know, in today’s competitive era, people are so depressed – say being a personal or professional reason. Hence, meditation or yoga would prove to be beneficial for them. As it will relax your body and you feel to be in a state of calmness and it motivates you to throw all your negative energies out of your mind and soul instead inculcate the positive thoughts.
Admittedly, the positive energy will not only make you feel energetic but also has a great impact on your work and personal fronts as well. It will make you feel active and reduction in stress and anxiety level. Spending some quality time and doing activities such as going for a walk, cycling, swimming etc with family is also another option to lead a happy and healthy life. It will be rewarding as it will make you fit and spending quality time altogether.
To conclude, I can say that to have healthy mind, body and soul, everyone should inculcate positive habits such as healthy diet, regular exercise, walking, doing indoor or outdoor activities, yoga and having moderate drinking and smoking habits. Hence it will be a holistic development of the individual leading to stress free life.
|link||edited Jul 15 '11 at 03:24 preet sandhu New member|
May I have suggestions for the fluency of the following two paragraphs?
Few months' preparation, I finally got to Hong Kong for a trip with my fiance and two more friends. We prepared the itinerary by ourselves by referring to few friends who have been there before. This is the next tour of mine in Hong Kong.
Upon arriving the airport of Hong Kong, it was a little raining. After passed the immigration counter, I straights away go to bus counter to buy a ticket to A MTR station so that I can reach Luo Hu by taking MTR. It takes me 45 minutes to reach the specified MTR station called Shang Shui Station.
|link comment||answered Jul 23 '11 at 15:08 Derek Siow New member|
According to Erickson, there are different statues of identity achievement that occurs when a person has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one; Moratorium is the level of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities but has not made a commitment (Erickson,2011) ; foreclosure is when a person has not made a commitment without attempting identity exploration and identification diffusion occur when there are neither identity crises or commitment.
|link comment||answered Jul 23 '11 at 20:47 Nicola Richards New member|
Some students like to take distance-learning courses by computer. Other students prefer to study in traditional classroom settings with a teacher. Consider the advantages of both options, and make an argument for the way that students should organize their schedules.
Both the distance learning courses by computer and traditional classroom reading have certain merits and demerits. These benefits depends upon the type of the subjects as well as the physical condition of the students.
Distance-learning courses by computers is the very convenient way of learning for those courses which donot need intensive practical laboratories. For instance course related to arts social sciences which can be studied by self study or without attending schools. In this situation self study approach is very important and only few support from the remote teachers can help a lot. Not only an able persons benefitted from this methods even the disabled people especially who have no limbs and hands are benefitted from this remote learning.
Traditional classroom setting have added much benefits as compare to distance-learning courses. Here, in class room there is intensive interaction between the participants and the teachers. Courses which required laboratories like science and mostly benefitted from this model. In this case, study in lab needs direct guidance from the instructer. A minute error can lead to accident as in chemistry lab. For a biology class surgery is very important it cannot be learned form the distance learning. Instructer saying as well as his physical presence is needed for the begineers to learn surgery. For me it is very difficult to figure out or guess the true situation only by two dimentional computer model is not very impressive. In case of direct traditional method I can use three dimentional situaton where I can use all my senses to learn and understand the situation. Like, as a chemistry student during several experiments teacher reminds to smell the nature of hamless gases whether it is sweet smelling, or of pungent smell or else unless and untill we smell the particular chemical how can we remember the basic concept only by distance seeing method in computer.
Lastly, I choose classroom setting traditional method over the distance-learning computer method. "Old is gold." Since our structure of our mind donot change with the physical development of the world. our mind works in a similar fashion as it worked hundered or thousands of years ago. No technoloy uptill now have changed the way of our thinking and doing of mind. So traditional class room way of teaching is the all time classic way of teaching students. It has no alternative till now so we have so many colleges, universities based on this fact. The world best colleges have the traditional methods.This system address the root causes of the students difficulty levels while learning from grass root level of the problems. Even a child learns language from her mother in such fashion and become his mother toungue forever. To inculcate the thing deeply in a student mind there is not other alternative than this traditional study.
|link||answered Jul 30 '11 at 17:56 raju New member|
Abstract for APA paper
Fire fighters have honorable intentions but may not always be correct. Research is allowing people to make intelligent decisions on how to become a more effective fire fighter by providing information from statistics, training, education, and field work. Being overly cautions or too forceful can result in failure. Meaning that by not binding the two opposites could cause potential life threatening problems while interiorly suppressing a structure fire and vertically ventilating.
punctuation, grammar, and sentance fluency
|link||edited Aug 02 '11 at 02:19 sirilo New member|
Q:What do you think about Brazil?
A:That its size and variety allow you to find in it whatever you may be looking for. Salvador with its baroque glories of the 1500s, Brasilia still the world's most modern city. São Paulo state comparable in population, size, GDP and standard of living with the Kingdom of Spain; Piauí (outside it capital) close to the corruption and wretchedness of rural India. Everthing from EMBRAER building for the world's airlines to rural peasants who have yet to advance from digging sticks to the plough. I have never experienced a rush hour bus ride where fellow travellers were so polite and considerate as in downtown Rio, and I have never heard of a place more like the Wild West of the 1880s than Imperatriz, Maranhão. And while half the population depend on government handouts just to avoid starving, I doubt if anywhere in the world offers a wider choice of great eating places of every ethnicity as central São Paulo. And a climate ranging from the hot aridity of the interior of the North East to the winter snows of Lages. But especially I have never met a nation with such an enjoyable, self-deprecating sense of humour so like that of the English (and such a contrast to that of the rest of the Americas, Hispanic and Yankee).
|link comment||answered Aug 03 '11 at 12:54 coraliecinq Contributor|
Hi Kimberly, Thanks for the initiative to help your users to improve the fluency of their writing. I am writing a novel and would dearly like to improve my writing skills. Kindly evaluate the following paragraph and let me know if it needs improvement. Thanks.
"She had breached the male bastion in the Physics Department of the University of Wisconsin, Madison. She was the only female that came close to being a faculty member. Her svelte form and face turned the heads of others at faculty meetings. She was considered to be special because she was a woman. She did not allow such attention to distract her. She took part in meetings as an equal. She believed that femininity was not only about the body and face; anatomy did not necessarily determine beauty and destiny. It was more about the qualities of heart and mind that made women distinctive."
|link||answered Aug 07 '11 at 11:46 L J Haravu New member|
I would like to inform you that we have established the dark fiber link for DC to DRC of ADBL as per the requirement of Bank and we have been providing the dark fiber primary and secondary link between Data Center, Ramshah Path and Disaster Recovery Center, Bode since 1st Magh 2067.
|link||answered Aug 08 '11 at 04:30 laxman New member|
Thank you for the opportunity. Need a referee on the following hotly debated paragraph from a recent email blast. This falls under "creative" writing.
It looks like record attendance for [product name] Users Group in October. You have filled our room block at the Santa Bella Resort, and the overflow rooms at the Hilton, but we're sure some of you still need accommodations. Believe it or not, Galveston hotels are are filling up fast for the Fall season, so please don't wait. There is a variety of accommodation along the Galveston Seawall. Here are some suggestions for hotels close-by.
|link||answered Aug 23 '11 at 18:52 Jessica New member|
Writing feedback for this text, please?
In 1967 he went to the first class of a middle school. Being a schoolboy of 6-7 classes, working under the scorching sun and heat of southern edge on cotton plantations where he had to work on a level with adults, carrying out day norm on weeding of cotton rows, with some envy and dream to become same, he looked at plucky work of a foreman and agriculturists that in a consequence has resulted him to become a student of an agrarian university. In student's years he was differed by activity in chemistry and biology study. In 1980 he participated in the student's Olympiada in subject "chemistry" and has won prize-winning places among more, than 80 students-participants. In days of studentship he was also the active public man - the head of a course, the chairman of student council of a hostel, a member of trade-union and Komsomol committees of institute and faculty. Actively proved and in a cultural life of institute - played in the A. Zhubanova national orchestra which was the winner of annual competitions-festivals «Student's spring».
|link||answered Aug 25 '11 at 04:31 bakhytbek New member|
Grammar is a tool for a creative writing; it is a must-have tool for the writers. Because the sense of grammar plays a significant role in depicting the meaning of the text, the text cannot make a sense without acceptable grammar.
As every writer has a context of his own, the sole authority over the writing relies on the writer.
At times, the writer intends to hold certain errors in the text; they draw the attention of the readers.
In other words, it is the art of the writer to project realistic picture of the natural world.
Editing a text is a challenge; however, the editor points out the grammatically critical errors in the text and their corrective suggestions, so the text becomes appealing to the readers.
"Please give me comments. Grammarly says this text has 13 vocabulary enhancement suggestions, could you figure out them? This is my own writing, but Grammarly says unoriginal, how? Why?"
Kimberly as well as others may be of potential help.
|link comment||answered Sep 01 '11 at 02:06 Hasta Bhattarai New member|
Hero of the day
Person voted on the most answers.