Too many commas
How can I improve this sentence:
However, on her arrival in Kimberley, his mother heard, to her dismay,that this young bachelor, with no living relatives, had lost his life in a shooting accident while on military manoevres a few mile east of Kimberley.
First of all, let me say that that I'm not sure whose mother you are referring to in your sentence - obviously it is not the son's mother, since he does not have any living relatives. I'll give your sentence a try and hope that it will be of help to you.
Upon her arrival in Kimberley, she was saddened [dismayed] to hear that the young bachelor had lost his life in a shooting accident while on military maneuvers.
I added the word [dismayed] in brackets as an alternative to 'saddened'. You can add a following sentence which tells that he had no living relatives, possibly something like this:
Having no living relatives nor friends in the area, his funeral was sadly unattended.
- or -
Having no living relatives, he was quietly buried in the nearby cemetary.
It is sometimes difficult to help when we don't know the context of the story that you are telling. I hope that this has been helpful to you. Good luck!!
|link comment||answered Jun 11 '14 at 22:07 Karen OKeefe Contributor|
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