How can I make it more accurate and concise?

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Dear Kisi;

 

 

I would like to bring up to your attention that I do not wish to get involved anymore in terms of locking up the stadium. It is a big responsibility and I have to deal with many things whilst I am securing the place. The main thing that it takes most of my attention during my work shift at the Gym

 

On the other hand, I am happy to pursue on my career at the fitness club. I do like the atmosphere and the members. Moreover, I am keen on covering for my work colleagues during their leave and to assist you with promoting the business

 

 

I am happy to discuss it further, if you wish

 

Thank you for your time

 

Rayan

asked Apr 18 '12 at 05:39 RAYAN New member

1 answer


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My opinion:

 

Dear Kisi, -> why the semi-colon?

 

It looks like you're writing to a superior. I wouldn't say "I would like to bring to your attention" to a superior. The last sentence in the paragraph isn't a complete sentence.

 

Off the top of my head, how about something like this: 

 

There is something I'm worried about and I would like to tell you about it. During my shift at the gym (could be capital if the place is actually called The Gym), there are many things I have to deal with in my duty of securing the place (to keep the place secure?). Locking the stadium is a big responsibility and I feel that having to do it too will affect my other tasks.

 

On the other hand, I am happy to pursue my career at the fitness club. I do like the atmosphere and the members. Moreover, I am keen on covering for (sorry to contradict Jeff, but 'cover for' is a valid phrasal verb meaning to do someone else's work while they're away) my colleagues during their leave and to assist you in promoting the business.

 

I am happy to discuss it further if you wish.

link comment edited Apr 21 '12 at 10:25 A Clil To Climb Contributor

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