the first sentence ends with: "ecador to fully participate." is that right
the first scentence says at the end ecador to fully participate
Additionally we can reach out to all of the students of Ecuador to fully participate. The youth have easy accessibility to the Internet, they do have accessibility to mobile phones and can fully participate with paper and pen. We can provide appropriate tools for the students and the locale to fully participate, and Innovate.
The way the first sentence is written, it is unclear whether "we" or "students" will fully participate.
"Additionally we can reach out to all of the students of Ecuador; they can fully participate."
Also, you should change "accessibility" to "access" in both instances. You don't need a comma after the final participate. I wouldn't capitalize innovate.
|link comment||answered Aug 15 '11 at 16:36 Joe Douglas Trent Contributor|
I agree with Joe but would add a little more. You could clarify that the students are the ones being encouraged to participate by making it explicit within the sentence.
"...reach out to all of the students of Ecuador to encourage them to..."
"To participate" is an infinitive, which (techincally) should not be split. Although this is becomming more common it still annoys a lot of people, so if you are writing a proposal or a report I would avoid it:
"to participate fully" is the correct word order.
Remove the "do" in the second line:
"...they have access to mobile phones"
Add a comma after the first word "Additionally". The word isn't needed for the sentence and therefore should be sectioned off with a comma. Replace the capital "I" for "internet" and "innovate". Also, check the whole document for double spaces. There are a few in the paragraph which need to be removed. It is no longer necessary to have a double space after a full stop unless you are using an old fashioned type writer.
Unless you wish to do so for style, there is no need to repeat that the youth "have access to" mobile phones:
"...access to the internet and mobile phones..."
For style reasons, it is not good to repeat "to participate fully" three times in as many lines. Alternative phrases should be used or it sounds strange to the reader.
"...can join in with paper and pen."
Simailarly, though they are much further apart in the paragraph, it is not necessary to repeat "the students" since we've been referring to them all the way through.
"...tools for them..."
A "locale" is an area, rather than a group of people, so you probably mean "the local community".
So finally you paragraph reads as follows:
"Additionally, we can reach out to all of the students of Ecuador to encourage them to participate fully. The youth have easy access to the internet and mobile phones, and can join in with paper and pen. We can provide appropriate tools for them and the local community to participate and innovate."
I hope that helps.
|link comment||answered Aug 17 '11 at 00:14 Siân Harris Expert|
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