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I heard footsteps entering the park. I turned back, but I knew it was her. She was running towards me as I glared at her. The snowflakes seemed to cling to her legs as she ran. The stars shined faintly in the darkness. The dimly street light sparkles beneath the concrete. I turned away from her and leaned my back against the wall. My sweater was torn badly and my hair was messed up. I silently cried.

‘Luna! ’ she cried. I slid down the wall, and sat hugging my knees. I felt a sinking feeling inside as I gaped at her. ‘You have betrayed me’ I trembled. She took a step back and stared at me. ‘But I...’she mumbled. ‘No Serena, just leave me alone’ I snapped. ‘It’s your fault”. ‘What happened?’ she asked. I didn’t answer. ‘Luna’ she said quietly, daring to ask ‘What happened to you?’ I sobbed and turned my head so she could see the blood on my neck. She touched her face with shaking fingers and came away with a drop of blood. She stared her fingers with a close precision. ‘No – no, this can’t be’ she mumbled loudly. A tear began to drop from her glittering blue eyes.

The world was in silence as if someone had pressed the mute button on a TV. ‘I- I’m sorry’ she murmured. ‘I never meant to hurt you at all’ she added. My face was wet and tear-stained and I started silently to cry, again. ‘You don’t deserve to be called a friend anymore’ I hissed. She froze as soon as I said that.

Why did you say that? I thought to myself. We were best friend since we were in kindergarten. She discovered she was a vampire when she was 12 in human’s age but in real life, she is 78 years old. I promised her I would never tell anyone if she wouldn’t bite me. But now, I’m confused whether I should tell or not. This would mean ruining my friendship or sacrificing humanity.

‘Fine then, be that way’ she scowled and leaving me alone in the dark and cold park. I stood up slowly when suddenly I heard a crowded noise in the distance. The sounds were getting louder and closer as I ran towards them. There were a large crowds gathering and people were approaching with a wooden stake.

asked Jul 12 '11 at 01:54 Adela New member

1 answer


Your narrative is in the 1st person—awesome!  And with that, you have to dig deep and live in the moment ... you’re story has great potential, just blow a bit of life around your characters, and they will take it from there—like magic!


Hearing an echo of footsteps as I entered the park, I knew she was coming after me.  I glanced back, seeing snowflakes gently mask the night’s horizon, she appeared, her silhouette in the darkness.  I felt numbness choke my tears with her betrayal; I sheltered my back against the post of a dimly lit streetlight.


Clutching my torn sweater together in disbelief, I cried out, “Admit it!  You ate my chocolate [okay just having a little fun]!”

Keep up the story ... passion trumps everything and it really seem like you have it.

link comment answered Jul 15 '11 at 04:19 Todd McQuage Contributor

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