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I heard footsteps entering the park. I turned back, but I knew it was her. She was running towards me as I glared at her. The snowflakes seemed to cling to her legs as she ran. The stars shined faintly in the darkness. The dimly street light sparkles beneath the concrete. I turned away from her and leaned my back against the wall. My sweater was torn badly and my hair was messed up. I silently cried.

‘Luna! ’ she cried. I slid down the wall, and sat hugging my knees. I felt a sinking feeling inside as I gaped at her. ‘You have betrayed me’ I trembled. She took a step back and stared at me. ‘But I...’she mumbled. ‘No Serena, just leave me alone’ I snapped. ‘It’s your fault”. ‘What happened?’ she asked. I didn’t answer. ‘Luna’ she said quietly, daring to ask ‘What happened to you?’ I sobbed and turned my head so she could see the blood on my neck. She touched her face with shaking fingers and came away with a drop of blood. She stared her fingers with a close precision. ‘No – no, this can’t be’ she mumbled loudly. A tear began to drop from her glittering blue eyes.

The world was in silence as if someone had pressed the mute button on a TV. ‘I- I’m sorry’ she murmured. ‘I never meant to hurt you at all’ she added. My face was wet and tear-stained and I started silently to cry, again. ‘You don’t deserve to be called a friend anymore’ I hissed. She froze as soon as I said that.

Why did you say that? I thought to myself. We were best friend since we were in kindergarten. She discovered she was a vampire when she was 12 in human’s age but in real life, she is 78 years old. I promised her I would never tell anyone if she wouldn’t bite me. But now, I’m confused whether I should tell or not. This would mean ruining my friendship or sacrificing humanity.

‘Fine then, be that way’ she scowled and leaving me alone in the dark and cold park. I stood up slowly when suddenly I heard a crowded noise in the distance. The sounds were getting louder and closer as I ran towards them. There were a large crowds gathering and people were approaching with a wooden stake.

asked Jul 12 '11 at 01:54 Adela New member

2 answers



We don't edit full paragraphs or texts here.  I suggest running this through the Grammarly Editor.  After you edit the text using the grammar checker, you can come here with specific questions that we'll be more than happy to help you with.



link comment answered Jul 12 '11 at 17:24 Kimberly Expert

Your narrative is in the 1st person—awesome!  And with that, you have to dig deep and live in the moment ... you’re story has great potential, just blow a bit of life around your characters, and they will take it from there—like magic!


Hearing an echo of footsteps as I entered the park, I knew she was coming after me.  I glanced back, seeing snowflakes gently mask the night’s horizon, she appeared, her silhouette in the darkness.  I felt numbness choke my tears with her betrayal; I sheltered my back against the post of a dimly lit streetlight.


Clutching my torn sweater together in disbelief, I cried out, “Admit it!  You ate my chocolate [okay just having a little fun]!”

Keep up the story ... passion trumps everything and it really seem like you have it.

link comment answered Jul 15 '11 at 04:19 Todd McQuage Contributor

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