fix this sentence

3

Is there a better way to write this? Also, would you add concrete details to it to make it more interesting?

 

Jennie stands up. Her sister notices her burgeoning belly which Jennie hides.

3 answers


0

You need a comma before which.  It sounds like you are writing fiction.  Adding descriptive words that help paint a picture in a readers mind tends to make it more interesting to read.  Such decription could be physical or emotional.  The more connected the reader feels to the story, the more she will want to keep reading.  Did Jennie stand up fast, slow, awkwardly, hesitantly?  Was the sister shocked, mildly surprised, happy, or angry?  Maybe Jennie hid her belly in a shy way or she was frightened, or just waiting to make a big happy announcement later.  These are the types of things that help paint that picture.  These details don't have to be included in every single sentence and clause, though.  Too much might make a reader bored because the story isn't moving along.  It is hard to tell from two sentences if either of these sentences need anything more. 

 

If you are looking to publish, there are some here that can give you better insight if they pop in and see your question.  I think it would be helpful for you to have someone read a chapter and give you some feedback before you write a whole book.  That isn't something that we can do here on this forum.  Try starting with someone who is willing to be honest with you, and is well-read.  Close friends and relatives can sometimes tell a loved one that their every word is fabulous, even if it needs serious improvement.  There are writing clubs in many areas, both in person and online. Members often give each other good feedback.

link comment answered Nov 29 '12 at 22:41 Patty T Grammarly Fellow
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All the stories end with happiness but there is one story that end with sadness and madness. In the story of “Araby” the author James Joyce talks about a boy who is twelve years old. Who believe that is been in love with magna sister. But then the boy realizes that his love is stupid and unreal.  In fact  their hopes for the generosity of things when he can, hunt and representative achieve his material for a gift for a friend or a gift for the composed maturity’s Son with the However, more than a boy in a Christian environment, but a representative of their dreams dashed Joyce. In "Araby," Joyce Irish Christian frustration with imagery of Christianity and it allusion.  "Araby" Joyce’s story reflects the autobiographical , because life is so closely connected to the lives of boys. Joyce’s story ends with a sense of despair . 

link comment answered Nov 06 '13 at 02:44 nima mirfakhaei New member
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Teen Idols tell the history of three singers of the 1960s whose popularity suddenly vanished.

link comment answered Jul 22 '13 at 14:12 zach New member

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