Does these dialogues sound okay?

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       “Who are you?” he asked, “move your hat, and show me your face.”

       “Are you giving me orders? Nobody tells me what to do boy.”

      “I’m sorry, I want to see who you are.”

      “They call me the old watcher. I guard this river, stop people from swimming in it, and walk on the stones. May I ask why are you here?”

      “I want to get across, and find my father’s vault.”

     “I have to forbid you from crossing that river.”

asked Jan 31 '11 at 10:04 Noel Jones New member

1 answer


0

Noel, 

We'll go line by line as we did before.

 

 “Who are you?” he asked, “move your hat, and show me your face.”

You should capitalise 'move' and you do not need a comma after 'hat'.

       “Are you giving me orders? Nobody tells me what to do boy.”

You need a comma after 'do'.

      “I’m sorry, I want to see who you are.”

'I'm sorry' is a complete sentence and, as such, it should end in a period.

      “They call me the old watcher. I guard this river, stop people from swimming in it, and walk on the stones. May I ask why are you here?”

If 'the old watcher' is his nickname, you should capitalise old and watcher. The next sentence has some confusing errors, including faulty parallelism.  First, it seems like you should have another subject before the verb 'stop'.  So, it may read something like:  "I guard this river; I stop people. . ."  However, you do not need to include the subject if you are trying to mimic a speaking style.  Where you have faulty parallelism is in the following: ". . .stop people from swimming in it, and walk on the stones."  The way you've written it, I don't know if you mean the people swim and walk  or the Old Watcher stops and walks.  I think you mean to say that the watcher stops people from swimming and walking on stones, if so you need to make the verbs related to the people the same.  If this is what you mean to say, omit the comma. For example:

"I guard this river, stop people from swimming in it and walking on the stones."

      “I want to get across, and find my father’s vault.

This sentence is unclear.  When you use 'and' it makes it sound as if crossing the river and finding the vault are unrelated.  For example, if I said: "I want to eat dinner and go for a walk." If means that I want them both right now and must choose one.  I think if crossing the river is necessary for finding the vault, you should write: ". . .to get across to find (so I can find) my father's vault."

     “I have to forbid you from crossing that river.”

It may be unecessary to use 'have to' in this sentence because it means that Old Watcher would like to let the boy cross, but cannot due to obligation.  Maybe it would be more clear if you left it out?  Also, 'forbid you from crossing' sounds strange because the watcher is doing the action.  I think it would be better to say "forbid you to cross".

 

Best, 

 

Kim

link comment answered Jan 31 '11 at 13:32 Kimberly Expert

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