Can you read my short essay? I am preparing for The TOEFL test

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Explain a situation in which you received good advice. Use details to support your answer.

There are a lot of situations were I have  received good advice, but I remember one time when I received advice from my primary doctor. When I was 26 years old, I got pregnant and at that time I was smoking lot cigarettes. When I went to see my doctor, he have told me that I needed to stop smoking or otherwise my baby and I was going to have health problems, so I listened to him. Stop smoking brought me health benefits. As a result, I have more energy, better ability to concentrate, the chance of heart attack has decreases. Like wise, Stop smoking  brought me psychological benefits I am not feeling terrified of the health consequences. No feeling guilty of what I am doing to my body. In conclusion, the doctor advice was very helpful for me.  

asked Nov 10 '12 at 01:16 luz Herrera New member

3 answers


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Luz, this is somewhat longer than we usually will help out with.  Since you are preparing for a test, the practice of correcting the errors will help you to improve your writing skills.  The first sentence is actually okay, but the rest has quite a few errors.  On a positive note, we’ve seen much worse from ESL students on this forum. You also correctly capitalized the word "I" every time.  Thank you!  That seems to be a problem for many people. You write well enough for the reader to understand your meaning, which is good. I am not sure what skill level you are aiming for as you prepare for the TOEFL test.  I’ll offer some suggestions.  Please try to self-edit and repost two or three sentences as you go.  We’ll be glad to help you increase your skill.

 

Likewise is one word, not two.
The second to last sentence doesn’t quite make sense. Try working on that one a bit more.
When a doctor gives advice, it is the doctor’s advice.  Notice the possessive ‘s added to the word. 
To write at a little higher skill level, try to eliminate some redundancy.  Notice the number of words that are used repeatedly, either in the same sentence or in the passage as a whole. This also applies to giving the same information more than once, but in different ways. 

 

On that last point, I’ll talk about your second sentence.  You use the word “I” three times.  You tells us that you are giving an example from when you were 26 years old.  It is redundant to also say “at that time” in the same sentence.  We already know you are talking about that time.  When I was 26 years old, I got pregnant and was smoking a lot of cigarettes.  The next sentence can be trimmed as well.  We already know that the advice was from your doctor, so we can assume that you went to see him.  The doctor told me

I’ll let you finish editing the rest. 

link answered Nov 10 '12 at 01:56 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

Thank you Patty, you are being a lot of help

luz HerreraNov 11 '12 at 21:17

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Many a time I had sought advice from people/friends under different situations. I remember an instance receiving counseling from my primary doctor. When I was twenty six years old, I got pregnant although I was a chain smoker. When I visited a doctor, he admonished me to give up smoking or else my baby and myself will have severe health hazards. After following his advice, my health and concentration improved remarkably. To conclude, the counsel that I got from my doctor was helpful to me.

link comment answered Nov 12 '12 at 07:11 sanjay Expert
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Many a time I had sought advice from people/friends under different situations. I remember an instance  receiving counseling from my primary doctor. When I was twenty-six-years old, I got conceived and was a chain smoker then. When I visited a doctor,  he admonished me to give up smoking or else my baby and myself will have severe health hazards. After  following his advice,  my  health and concentration improved remarkably. To conclude, the counsel that I got from my doctor was helpful to me.

link edited Nov 10 '12 at 08:59 sanjay Expert

Sanjay, you have a few errors here & I'll address a couple. "I got conceived" is NOT the same as "I got pregnant." The one who was conceived was the baby, not the mother. A chain smoker does indeed smoke a lot, but someone who smokes a lot might not be a chain smoker. "A lot" is a subjective term that can cover a wide range of amounts, depending on the perspective of each individual. A chain smoker is one who constantly smokes.

Patty TNov 11 '12 at 00:39

Thank you for the corrections.

sanjayNov 11 '12 at 03:52

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