Fog hovered the trees and hilly mountains in the black forest. Jay threw his canvas bag over his sho

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I changed the opening of my book from (Mist hid the overcast sky.........) Is there a better way to write this sentence?

asked Jan 28 '11 at 16:06 Noel Jones New member

Noel, I pretty much concur with Kim's evaluation. You want avoid sentences that are too short and sentences that are too long. You can trust those two things hanging on either side of your head when you are in doubt. You write to be read and it is always a sound and sense thing. So, when you write, read out loud what you have written. If it doesn't flow, and doesn't make sense to you, nine times out of ten, it won't make sense to anyone who reads it. Just some basic editing guidelines that you can do for yourself. You will find that you can be you your own best wordsmith if you will only tinker with your words. They are yours. You own them. Look at me. I said not to write short sentences and that is exactly what I have done. Sometimes you step outside of the lines to make a point. Connie WArnerJan 30 '11 at 14:23

Thank you, I'll make a note on what you have said. This is important to me. Noel JonesJan 31 '11 at 07:50

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Noel, 

 

This is in response to your comment as well as to this post.  This is the excerpt you sent me:

"Fog hovered the black forest and floated along the trees. Jay threw his canvas bag over his shoulder. He ran past a belt of trees and leapt over a log. He dashed past some little creatures that hid themselves behind the bushes."

 

Line by line:

"Fog hovered the black forest and floated along the trees."

You need a preposition with the verb hover.  It should say hovered over.  Also, I think your preposition with float is a little funny, what do you think about floated among?

 

"Jay threw his canvas bag over his shoulder. He ran past a belt of trees and leapt over a log." 

 

This is all grammatically correct, but it flows better and is less wordy if you make it into one sentence.  Have you tried putting all the predicates together in a list? It would eliminate the pronoun 'he', which sounds a little redundant.  If you list them, be sure to use commas after each one and before 'and'.

 

"He dashed past some little creatures that hid themselves behind the bushes."

 

This is grammatically correct as well.  I think this is a fine sentence, but in case you hadn't thought of this, I'll give you a variant to mull over.  What do you think about changing 'that hid' to '(,) hiding'?

 

Best luck with the book!

 

Kim

 

 

link answered Jan 29 '11 at 19:34 Kimberly Expert

Hello Kim I hope you don't mind me sending more chapters from my 67,777 + words novel, I wrote down everything you said and tried to learn from it. Is there's any limit of words that we should send?(The sharp tips from the Holly leaves ripped the frills from his trousers. Mud got on his jacket sleeves when he climbed the moss-covered rocks. He ran through the forest until he reached the riverbank, and stood by the mysterious river. He watched the water flow through the river channel and remembered the scary stories he heard. He had doubts in whether to hop on the stones, to get to the other side of the river. The sharp tips from the Holly leaves ripped the frills from his trousers. Mud got on his jacket sleeves when he climbed the moss-covered rocks. He ran through the forest until he reached the riverbank, and stood by the mysterious river. He watched the water flow through the river channel and remembered the scary stories he heard. He had doubts in whether to hop on the stones, to get to the other side of the river.) My membership is for three months, with your help i can extend it to a year. Btw, a publishing company is willing to publish my work, but I have to get everything right. Thanks for your kind help Noel Jones “I heard so much about this river,” he said to himself. “Anyone that goes for a swim never returns.” “Because this is a haunted river,” a voice said, which came from behind a tree. Jay swung round and saw an old man covered in a greyish gown. He sat under a tree with a straw in his mouth. Noel JonesJan 31 '11 at 07:47

Noel, I am happy to help you. I will check on any word limit for posts here; however, it is best to use grammarly to work out most of the kinks and the problems you cannot figure out yourself, I will be happy to work through with you. Best, Kim KimberlyJan 31 '11 at 14:47

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