I am pained to pen here a few lines about the delay in postal delivery in my locality. I wonder why some of my letters and articles, with full and correct address, are being undelivered. Furthermore, I have found the letters of my neighbors in my letter box. This is due to the sheer negligence of the postman concerned who asks for money to deliver our letters and parcels.
I appreciate if you could resolve the matter as soon as possible and help us get my letters and parcels delivered in time.
Sanjay, we will turn you into a brusque, direct American yet. As we have discussed in the past, the cultural differences between India and America play a big role in our comments. Your letter is well-written. By Indian standards, it takes an appropriate tone of respect and formality. But by American standards, it is too formal, too wordy, and too indirect.
Let's look at your first sentence from the American point of view. Let's also say I'm the recipient of your letter. I get many letters like this every day and feel like most are wasting my time. This is what I am thinking as I read your letter.
"What do I care that Sanjay is pained to write this letter? I don't know this Sanjay fellow and I don't care about how he feels. Get to the point."
"Why is he telling me he wrote a few lines. I can see that. After all, I have his letter in front of me. Stop wasting my time. Get to the point."
"So there are delivery delays in his neighborhood? What does he expect? We are the Post Office, not Fed E or the Internet." --> You can't remove the part about delays, but you want to make your thesis sentence more powerful and more complete. The delays are unwarranted, they are lengthy. But delays are not the worst of the problem -- misdirected delivery and corruption are bigger problems. Your thesis statement should include those problems
"I must complain about the shoddy and corrupt delivery service in my neighborhood."
Let's look at the sentence where you say "due to the negligence of the postman." Imagine again I am sitting at the Post Office reading your letter.
"Where does this Sanjay fellow get this negligence stuff? Sanjay knows nothing about what it takes to sort and deliver letters. Many things can go wrong. Negligence, hmmmph! Now, incompetence I can see. I mean, the delivery man is my brother-in-law -- and he's not the brightest bulb in the Post Office. I'm surprised he can even find Sanjay's neighborhood." --> don't try to explain why a problem exists, just explain the problem.
"Bribes! Why did this Sanjay fellow take so long to mention bribes? The government is cracking down. I could lose my job! Why didn't the letter say so sooner. I almost threw it away, what with the petty complaint about late deliveries. I could lose my job!"
I hope this helps.
|link||edited Oct 24 '12 at 17:18 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow|
This was a very well written letter. You need this checked for wordiness, but what I see is a very formal style. You could reduce the number of words used if you use a more informal tone while still being polite.
I must complain about the delay in postal delivery in my locality. Some of my letters and articles are not delivered despite having my full and correct address. Furthermore, I have found my neighbors' letters in my letter box, due to the negligence of the postman who asks for money to deliver our letters and parcels.
I appreciate if you could resolve this matter as soon as possible.
I hope this helps.
|link||answered Oct 24 '12 at 15:51 bellbottom New member|
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