Grammars help pls. I was asked to write a testimony to for a school I graduated from.

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I am a Spring 2012 graduate in International Studies from XX University. The major has helped me matriculate at the XX graduate school to continue my education in a Masters of Public Administration program. The support that I received every time I walked into the International Studies office was excellent. The International Studies Program at XX University has equipped me with the tools and knowledge that I need to continue my education in graduate school.

See example:

The major has helped me matriculate at the Illinois Institute of technology to continue my education in a Masters of Public Administration program.
asked Oct 24 '12 at 04:50 Tamerat Beyene New member

2 answers


1

Your paragraph suffers from several problems, each of which do not cast a favorable impression on you or your alma mater.

 

First, it is unnecessarily repetitive. You do not need to repeat International Studies over and over -- you use it three times in four sentences. Once you have established it as the topic of the paragraph, you need not repeat in full again. There are many words and phrases you can use that provide variety while still referring to your major.

 

Second, simple words are always better. Marticulate is, today, an inflated word. Misplaced or overused, it can make the writer seem pompous. Be direct. Be concise. I would only use marticulate to provide variety when you believe its synonyms are being overused.

 

Third, a graduate student should be able to properly capitalize and punctuate every sentence. IIt or IIT?

 

Fourth, your paragraph suffers from a problem common to young writers who want to sound educated (and ESL writers whose native tongues rely on prepositions). Many of your sentences consist of one prepositional phrase strung after another.  This style makes your writing unnecessarily difficult to read.

 

The International Studies Program <at XX University> has equipped me <with the tools and knowledge> that I need to continue my education <in graduate school.>

 

This sentence has three prepositional phrases plus an infinitive verb ("to continue"). At least two can and should be eliminated. You can do this without loss of meaning. Doing this will also make it more powerful.

 

XX University's International Studies Program equipped me with the tools and knowledge that I need to continue my graduate school education.

 

You might even consider a further tightening by deleting a phrase that is really not needed.

 

XX University's International Studies Program equipped me to continue my graduate school education.

 

Your second sentence suffers from the same problem. Try to tighten it up -- make it more concise and more active.

 

I am sorry if I sounded too harsh, but more is expected when you progress further with your education. I hope this helps.

link edited Oct 24 '12 at 16:42 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

Thank you I appreciate your help I went back and fixed some of the suggestions you made and take this as a learning experience. How does this sound/look to you now?

My name is Tamerat Beyene. I am a spring 2012 graduate in International Studies from Chicago State University. Chicago State University has an excellent opportunity to learn more about the world and gain a deeper understanding of international relations. The program provides a variety of study abroad opportunities, and as a graduate student, I would certainly recommend it to any students who wants to major in this field. This program allows students to have their choice to focus on their areas of interest through multiple departments. The International Studies Program has inspired me to continue my graduate school education. The staff and faculty are helpful and insightful, and they have always been there for me.

Tamerat BeyeneOct 25 '12 at 02:02

Much better, but there are still a couple issues. See my second answer.

Jeff PribylOct 27 '12 at 00:54

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1

Responding to the comment:

 

"Chicago State University has" should be "Chicago State University provides" or something similar. What CSU has is not important. What it gives you is.

 

"any students" should be "any student"

link answered Oct 27 '12 at 00:54 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

Thank so much for your help Jeff!

Tamerat BeyeneOct 27 '12 at 20:22

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