Grammars help pls. I was asked to write a testimony to for a school I graduated from.
I am a Spring 2012 graduate in International Studies from XX University. The major has helped me matriculate at the XX graduate school to continue my education in a Masters of Public Administration program. The support that I received every time I walked into the International Studies office was excellent. The International Studies Program at XX University has equipped me with the tools and knowledge that I need to continue my education in graduate school.
The major has helped me matriculate at the Illinois Institute of technology to continue my education in a Masters of Public Administration program.
Your paragraph suffers from several problems, each of which do not cast a favorable impression on you or your alma mater.
First, it is unnecessarily repetitive. You do not need to repeat International Studies over and over -- you use it three times in four sentences. Once you have established it as the topic of the paragraph, you need not repeat in full again. There are many words and phrases you can use that provide variety while still referring to your major.
Second, simple words are always better. Marticulate is, today, an inflated word. Misplaced or overused, it can make the writer seem pompous. Be direct. Be concise. I would only use marticulate to provide variety when you believe its synonyms are being overused.
Third, a graduate student should be able to properly capitalize and punctuate every sentence. IIt or IIT?
Fourth, your paragraph suffers from a problem common to young writers who want to sound educated (and ESL writers whose native tongues rely on prepositions). Many of your sentences consist of one prepositional phrase strung after another. This style makes your writing unnecessarily difficult to read.
The International Studies Program <at XX University> has equipped me <with the tools and knowledge> that I need to continue my education <in graduate school.>
This sentence has three prepositional phrases plus an infinitive verb ("to continue"). At least two can and should be eliminated. You can do this without loss of meaning. Doing this will also make it more powerful.
XX University's International Studies Program equipped me with the tools and knowledge that I need to continue my graduate school education.
You might even consider a further tightening by deleting a phrase that is really not needed.
XX University's International Studies Program equipped me to continue my graduate school education.
Your second sentence suffers from the same problem. Try to tighten it up -- make it more concise and more active.
I am sorry if I sounded too harsh, but more is expected when you progress further with your education. I hope this helps.
|link||edited Oct 24 '12 at 16:42 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow|
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