Please check(self-edited)
I have recently been transferred to India from Bangkok, and would like to become an active member of your club. I work at the main branch of the State Bank of Mysore as a General Manager. I have gone through your brochures containing the rules and regulations of your club, and I promise to abide by them. I have enclosed duly filled in membership form with this letter.
Self-edited:
I have recently been transferred to India from Bangkok, and would like to become an active member of your club-----> I have recently been transferred to India from Bangkok, and would like you to consider me for membership in your club.
I work at the main branch of the State Bank of Mysore as a General Manager. ---->I work for the State Bank of Mysore, main branch, as a General Manager.
I have gone through your brochures containing the rules and regulations of your club, and I promise to abide by them. ---> I have read the rules and regulations of your club, and I promise to abide by them.
I have enclosed duly filled in membership form with this letter.--->I have filled in the membership form and has been enclosed with this letter.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
sanjay
Expert
1 answer 
Several comments.
The original first sentence is actually better -- more straightforward, more down to earth. I would, however, drop "active" and just say "a member of your club."
For the second sentence, I would rearrange the word order and say "I am the General Manager of the State Bank of Mysore's main branch." This places the information in the order of importance.
For the fourth sentence, I would make it even more concise and straightforward. "I have completed the membership form and enclosed it with this letter."
I hope this helps.
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answered Oct 19 '12 at 07:35
Jeff Pribyl
Grammarly Fellow
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Thank you very much, sir.
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