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  This is to inform everyone that majority of the employees agreed to celebrate our Christmas Party on December 17, 2012, Monday which will be held at 7th floor of “K” Line Building. The Committee opined that it will be good to celebrate our party together with our family. In this connection, we are glad to advise everyone that each employee is entitled to bring their family members especially their kids to celebrate with us this pleasure and gathered as one big family. There are a lot of surprises, games and prizes being planned by the Committee to ensure that everybody will enjoy the said event. For the married employee you can bring maximum of two (2) immediate family members, and for single employee you can bring at least one (1) companion. In this regard, please write the name and age of the family member or companion you want to bring so that we can utilize and confirm the number of person to be included for the food catering reservation. In addition, we would like to inform everybody that we will be asked each department for an intermission number that will highlight the said party. Great prizes are to be given away for those departments who will perform the most awesome presentation. Thank you.  

asked Sep 27 '12 at 02:03 Gharie Gavino New member

Experts will surely help you with one or two questions at a time.

sanjaySep 27 '12 at 05:09

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2 answers


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We generally don't edit long paragraphs.  This has many errors and is very wordy. 

 

There is no need to tell the employees that you are informing them, or that you would like to inform them.  The memo or letter does inform them. It is sort of like saying, "I am informing you of this information." 

 

The sentence explaining how many family members are allowed makes no sense.  You invite the kids, but a married person can only bring two people.  What if they have a spouse and more than one child?  A single person can apparently bring as many people as they want, as long as they bring at least one.

 

Some unnecessary phrases that could be deleted: the said event, the said person, in this connection, in this regard, in addition. 

 

I have no idea what an "intermission number" might be.

 

That covers some of the issues.  Pare it down to the information that the employees want to know.  This should be much shorter. Then we might be able to help you with the grammar and punctuation problems. 

link edited Sep 27 '12 at 06:35 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

Your comments are really helping me a lot, ma'am. You have given him enough inputs to edit his paragraph on his own. Please do not edit the paragraph, but at least give us your comments, so that I, too, can work on it and improve our existing knowledge. I keep reading all of your posts and comments regularly.

sanjaySep 27 '12 at 17:33

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Majority of the employees agreed to celebrate the Christmas party on Monday, December 17, 2012   which will be held on the 7th floor of “K” Line Building. The Committee desires that it will be good to celebrate the party together with our family. We are glad to inform you that all employees are allowed to bring along their family  to celebrate this happy occasion.

link comment answered Sep 27 '12 at 05:20 sanjay Expert

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