Sentence structure

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How would you change the sentence?

See example:

After the years had gone by Abram and he had gotten older he was called by God to leave his father's house and his homeland and go where he will send him and he told him he will make him a great nation and make his name great.
asked Sep 22 '12 at 00:19 Emma Hall New member

1 answer


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Emma, this is a run-on sentence tht should be broken up into smaller sentences.  You also have WAY too many pronouns, making it impossible to follow. 

 

The introductory clause needs a comma after it.  After the years had gone by, he and Abram had gotten older.  This sentence is okay, and I assume that we know who he is from the context of previous sentences.  It seems obvious to me that they aged as the years had gone by, so there may be a more concise way to describe that fact. 

 

After this first sentence, though, it gets increasingly unclear about who he is with each reference.  For illustration, let's call him Joe.  Who was called by God - Joe or Abram?  Was it Joe's father or Abram's?  Whose homeland? The rest of the references to he, him, or his, could be talking about either Joe, Abram, father, or God.  Who will send whom, who told who that who will make who a great nation, and whose name will be great?  Additionally, a person can't be a nation. 

 

Break this down into several sentences.  Figure out which person is on the giving or receiving end of each action, and rewrite it without all of the pronouns. 

link comment answered Sep 22 '12 at 03:25 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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