faulty parallelism

0

How to make correct this sentence?

See example:

The most common consumer durables since 1972 were television with almost a hundred percentage, and the vacuum cleaner which start with 87% and had a slight increase to 95% for 1983.
asked Sep 15 '12 at 19:55 Patricia Cadena New member

1 answer


1

This is a very odd sentence, and I had to read it a few times to understand your meaning. It's still not all clear, but here's my best shot:

 

First off, you should add a comma between the word "television" and "with".  This would correctly divide off the parenthetical clause "with almost a hundred percentage", which already has a closing comma. Also, you need another comma for the same reason before the word "which".

 

Second, there are a few places where you're missing an article, or your tense is wrong, or your plurality. I think it makes more sense to say "televisions" and "vacuum cleaners", but if you'd like to maintain the singular forms, then you need a "the" in front of the word "television."  Also, the word "start" should be "started".

 

Third, you should be consistent with your numbers. If you're going to write out "a hundred percent" in the first part, you should write out "eighty-seven percent" and "ninety-five percent" in the second. (The only exception to this rule is this: when you begin a sentence with a number, it should always be written out, regardless of the style you use for the rest of your writing. "One-hundred percent of the time, he's right 85% of the time.")

 

Lastly, though, the entire thing could stand to be re-written for sake of clarity.  Try dividing up some of the concepts. Perhaps like this:

 

Adoption data for consumer durables began to be recorded in 1972. This research shows that televisions and vacuum cleaners are the most prevelant. Televisions have had a nearly 100% adoption rate since the data begins, and vacuum cleaners have consistently had an over 87% adoption rate, with an increase to 95% in 1983.

 

(From your sentence, it's unclear whether vacuums have maintained that 95% or if that was only for '83. I wrote it as if 95% has been maintained.)

link comment edited Sep 15 '12 at 21:25 mysticete Contributor

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