revision of modyifying clauses

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How should I rewrite this moddifying the clause?

See example:

Jan. 2nd, on a cold snowy night, after a tiring day of work I just got home around 11pm and I walk in the house to get a good night's shower and catch up on some sleep.
asked Sep 14 '12 at 17:36 larissa New member

2 answers


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Your text has multiple problems, and the modifying clauses are the least of them.

 

Your text is a run-off sentence that tries to link too many thoughts into a single sentence. Consider dividing your sentence into two or three separate sentences. The verb tenses in your sentence do not make logical chronological sense.

 

Here is a possible revision:

 

January 2nd was a cold, snowy night. After a tiring day of work, I got home around 11pm. I walked into the house, hoping to take a hot shower and get a good night's sleep.

 

I hope I haven't changed your meaning too much.

link comment answered Sep 14 '12 at 18:00 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow
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Or, as your original sentence seemed to suggest a journal entry, you might try this:

 

Jan. 2nd: a dark and snowy night

 

I made it home around 11pm after an exhausting day at the grind. Wanting nothing more than a long shower, a short cigarette, and a few hours of sleep, I stepped into my apartment on 5th. There was something off, but my weary senses took a moment to pick up the scent of perfume in the air. With my hand on my piece and my back to the wall, I reached for the switch, not knowing what to expect.

 

I'm really sorry.  I was going to do this straight, but something suggested film noir and I guess I got a little carried away.  The whole point is, if you wish (and the context and style make sense) you may separate off that first portion as a sort of title for the following paragraph. Technically, I doubt this is gramatically correct, but if you don't put a period on the end of the title (which would suggest that it's a sentence) you might get away with it.

link comment edited Sep 15 '12 at 16:22 mysticete Contributor

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