What is wrong with the first sentence?

0

How can I fix this sentence?

See example:

It has been about eleven months since I first contacted your directors of medical records Via Unowa, and nursing Armida Faessler and you requesting a copy of my deceased husband's medical records.
asked Sep 06 '12 at 22:14 Rhonda New member

2 answers


1

Azhar, your rewritten sentence is better than the first attempt.  But it is still a bit fuzzy.  If you are trying to make an important point, it is best to be very clear.  Did you contact all three people eleven months ago?  Putting this into two sentences emphasizes that not only did you contact the director, but that you also made extra effort tp get the records.  If you have any dates of the communications, that would add more clarity.

 

The additional correction that you noted adds the word to in the middle of contacted the.  That is not correct.  Do not insert it.

link comment edited Sep 07 '12 at 04:45 Patty T Grammarly Fellow
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Will it be ok if I write this way?

It has been about eleven months since I first contacted the Director of Medical Records Via Unowa as well as a nurse named Armida Faessler and yourself requesting a copy of my deceased husband's medical records.

link answered Sep 07 '12 at 00:36 Azhar New member

Corrction: since I first contacted to the Director of Medical Records

AzharSep 07 '12 at 00:38

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