Please review Service to University question

-2

A coin has two faces. I feel extra curricular activities are as momentous as
studies in estimating a person's overall capacity. Throughout my school and
undergraduate education, I have been a keen participant in extra curricular
activities. During the high school period, I volunteered in the National Cadet
Corps and served the community by arranging the activities like blood donation
camps, first aid, fund collection for poor people and seminars on road safety.

While pursuing under graduation, getting elected as the Vice Disciplinary
Captain in year three helped me hone my organizational and interpersonal
skills. Being responsible for twenty five percent students of year one and year
two enhanced my strategy and event planning qualities. I was also responsible
to monitor inter house and inter institute competitions, arrangements for those
competitions, interation with outsiders and faculty members and overall
cleanliness of the campus premises. The institute provost and proctor elected
me the Vice Disciplinary Captain for two more terms for my sincere and well
planned actions. I participated in several marathon events for charity;
institute organized cross country and swimming competitions. I bagged two
silver medals in free style inter house competition.

In the final year, provost together with the institute management appointed me
as the Institute Cadet Captain which is the highest rank a student can achieve
in the Institute. I was the in-charge for all the activities carried out in the
institute. The planned the competitions, sport events, cultural shows,
additional classes for weak students and kept an eye on cleanliness of the
institute. During the tour of duty, I had the honour to commence the
investiture ceremony for the batch of 2009-2013 followed by the march past for
the incoming first year students. I congratulated them on their selection and
explained them the code of conduct; rules and regulations of the institute. I
was also fortunate enough to flag down the institute's prestigious sports
ceremony for the year 2009-2010 and delivered a welcome speech on
sportsmanship.

I was actively involved in the cultural events organised by the institute. I
was the in-charge of the disciplinary committee for the cultural events held in
the year 2009-2010. I took the initiative to begin an all new game "Hockey",
which was truly appreciated by the students.

The Fleet Management and the institute honoured me with the award of FleetManagement Trophy and Cash Prize of INR Ten Thousand for exhibiting "BESTLEADERSHIP QUALITIES".

asked Aug 03 '12 at 08:05 Gaurav Walia New member

3 answers


1

Gaurav, you didn't actually ask a question.  This passage is much too long to review in this forum.  If you have a question about grammar usage for a couple sentences, please let us know.

 

I will offer a suggestion about your opening sentence.  A coin does not have two faces.  It has two sides.  One of them usually shows a face, but the other side does not.  When a person is said to have two faces, it means they are deceitful or insincere.  Since your essay is about your accomplishments, I am sure that is not the impression you want to start out with.  If you choose to start your essay with a metaphor that does say what you mean, make sure that you show how that relates to your experience.

link comment answered Aug 03 '12 at 13:07 Patty T Grammarly Fellow
0

Gaurav, I can confidently say that I am not the right person to edit your essay.  I do not want to do  injustice to anyone who participate on this forum by proclaiming  myself as an expert, when I am truly not. I show up here to improve my existing skills with the help of these experts.  I am indebted to the knowledge gained from these experts.    The real experts are Mr. Jeff Pribyl, Ms. Patty, Lewis and Tolley.  They have to pitch in to comment on your essay.

link comment edited Aug 03 '12 at 13:18 sanjay Expert
0

Your essay is way too long to address on this forum. Because of space and time constraints (we are all volunteers here), it is best to keep your passages to no more than 4 or 5 sentences. I have chosen three sentences at random to comment upon. The rest of your essay contains similar problems.

 

While pursuing under graduation, getting elected as the Vice Disciplinary Captain in year three helped me hone my organizational and interpersonal skills. Being responsible for twenty five percent students of year one and year two enhanced my strategy and event planning qualities. I was also responsible to monitor inter house and inter institute competitions, arrangements for those competitions, interation with outsiders and faculty members and overall cleanliness of the campus premises. 

 

"Under graduation" should be "my undergraduate education" Undergraduate is one word.

 

All two-word numbers "twenty five" require a hyphen, "twenty-five". A preposition is required after percent -- "twenty-five percent of students". You use too many prepositional adjective phrases that follow the noun they modify. "Students of year one and year two" is better expressed by the direct adjective form "year one and year two students".

 

"Event planning" is a compound adjective that requires a hyphen when it occurs before the noun it modifies -- event-planning qualities". "Qualities" is not the right word choice. Perhaps you mean "abilities".

 

You need a preposition to follow "responsible". "To" cannot do double duty as that preposition and as part of the infinitive verb +to monitor" -- "responsible for monitoring". The verb forms in your compound predicate must be parallel. You must change them to parallel "monitoring" (see below). "Inter" is a prefix, and when attached to another word, forms a single word -- "interhouse" and "interinstitute". "Interation" is misspelled -- "interaction". A comma is required after "faculty members". "Premises" is redundant after campus. 

 

I was also responsible for monitoring interhouse and interinstitute competitions, for arranging for these competitions, for interacting with outsiders and faculty members, and for the overall cleanliness of the campus.

link answered Aug 03 '12 at 13:49 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

Thank a lot sir. I would really remember you till death for this help.

Gaurav WaliaAug 04 '12 at 02:58

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