I need to change this paragraph

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Maybe was the first time in decades that people felt as one protesting against global terrorism, there are reasons to consider for the result of this poll; adult citizens had live and go through wars, some had survived and gained some privileges, others unfortunately have not come back alive.

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Maybe was the first time in decades that people felt as one protesting against global terrorism, there are reasons to consider for the result of this poll; adult citizens had live and go through wars, some had survived and gained some privileges, others unfortunately have not come back alive.
asked Apr 12 '11 at 03:28 Martha Ruiz New member

1 answer


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Maybe was the first time in decades that people felt as one protesting against global terrorism,

 

This is one sentence. Here are my suggestions:

 

- Do not use 'maybe' as it is too informal.  Try instead 'perhaps'.

- You don't have a subject of this sentence.  What was the first time? It?  This meeting?  

- You need a comma after 'one'.

- End your sentence with a period.

 

there are reasons to consider for the result of this poll;

 

This is your second sentence.

 

- Capitalise 'there'.

- Maybe it would be better to use 'causes' instead of 'reasons'.  Also, you can delete 'to consider'.

- Do  not use a semi-colon.  End with a period.

 

adult citizens had live and go through wars, 

 

This is your third sentence.

 

-You need an introductory phrase.  I suggest: 'The main reason is that. . ."

- You need to used the part participle (- ed endings) with the verb have.  For example: 'had lived', 'had slept', 'had ran', 'had washed', etc.  Check the verbs 'live' and 'go' in this sentence.

- End your sentence with a period.

 

some had survived and gained some privileges, others unfortunately have not come back alive.

 

This is your fourth sentence.

 

- Capitalise 'some'.

- Change the comma to a semi-colon (;).

- Put 'unfortunately' before 'others'.

- Change 'have' to 'had'.

 

 

 

link comment answered Apr 13 '11 at 13:58 Kimberly Expert

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