Rewritten again Please check
Indiscriminate Killing and maiming of people was the order of the day in the city where John lived. The terrorists opened fire and threw grenades, killing at least hundreds of people. In the melee, John ran helter skelter to save his life, but he was killed by gunfire. The police left no stone unturned to track down John’s address. With the help of his close friends, the police were successful in finding out his address. When the police broke the news to about John’s death in the terrorist attack, his mother struggled hard to hold back tears and she began to sob.
First, some basic issues. The first sentence wants to start with the definite article - "the". Killing is not capitalized.
"At least" -- there are several problems here. One is grammar usage, and the other is style. Generally, we use "at least" in conjunction with a definite number "at least a hundred people" and not with an indefinite number " at least hundreds". As a matter of style, "at least" equivocates, and thus makes the sentence weaker. To be stronger, be definite -- "killing hundreds" (no need to add "of people"). You you really want to be less definite, do it in a stronger fashion -- "killing hundreds, if not many more".
In the previous version, you had his body lying in the street, alone. This could be a powerful message about the tragedy of unnecessary death. You may wish to add that back into the story.
How did the police find John's friends if they could not find his address? Perhaps John has a scrap of paper in his pocket with his roommates new cell phone number on it. Perhaps his roommate's number was in John's cell phone. Remember, once the police find his friends, they already have his address -- so his friends don't really help the police except at the very end, perhaps to find his mother. You may wish to add back the part about taking several hours (days?) of detective work to find his mother. Was his mother concerned because John did not call her? Maybe he called her every day at lunch, and on that fateful day he did not. Breaking down is a good phrase, breaking down and sobbing is even better.
"to about" ?? What is wrong with this?
Your last sentence is a run-on.
|link||edited Jul 11 '12 at 15:19 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow|
Hero of the day
Person asked the most questions.