wordy - how to revise?

0

Grammarly says it is wordy. Will you help me revise the sentence.

See example:

It is an important task in finding the formation of vocational identity of students of social welfare field to clarify what function the experience of training in facilities has on students of welfare fields.
asked May 27 '12 at 11:33 wak ono New member

1 answer


2

It is wordy. Grammarly considers any sentence more than 20 words long without internal punctuation to be wordy. 

 

The key element that bloats your sentence is prepositional sprawl. Your sentence uses eight (8!) prepositional phrases, one strung after the other. A concise sentence might have, at most, two. Multiple prepositional phrases are wearying as they force the reader to place thoughts "on hold" while waiting to see how the preposition modifies the sentence.

 

"It is an important task in finding the formation of vocational identity of students of social welfare field to clarify what function the experience of training in facilities has on students of welfare fields."

 

The sentence is also redundant, containing a long phrase that is repeated. Avoid such repetition.

 

"It is an important task in finding the formation of vocational identity of students of social welfare fields to clarify what function the experience of training in facilities has on students of welfare fields."

 

Finally, starting sentences with "it is" is considered both weak and wordy.

 

So how do we fix this sentence? Many prepositional phrases can be eliminated by placing adjectives before the noun they modify rather than after the noun by using preposition. For instance, "students of social welfare fields" is better said as "social welfare students". Other similar changes:

 

"the experience of training" --> "training"

"training in facilities" --> "facilities training"

 

Other prepositional phrases can be eliminated by using possessives. For instance, "vocational identity of social welfare strudents" can be rephrased as "social welfare students' vocational identity".

 

"An important task in finding the formation of social welfare students' vocational identity is to clarify what function facilities training has on those students."

 

Now that the sentence is pared down, we can see the highlighted text (above) remains wordy and, to be honest, not really understandable.  Without knowing the context, I can't offer an alternate phrase.

link comment answered May 27 '12 at 14:53 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

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