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Hello community. Please hel me revise the sentence below.

See example:

Therefore, to conclude on the role that pharmacist play in reduction of health disparities in United states, it is essential for them to be in position to provide culturally competent care because they are the ones who play an important role in influencing the patients health status in a direct manner through their direct engagement in various patient treatments as well as through the pharmaceutical care they provide to them.
asked May 24 '12 at 18:39 JOANNE OKOLO New member

1 answer


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To begin with, your sentence is too long. Not slightly too long, but too long by several orders of magnitude.

 

There are two schools of thought about sentence length in academic writing.  One school holds that sentences should average 22-25 words. This school prizes lengthy compound sentences as a mark of the student's critical thinking ability. Nevertheless, the lengthy sentence school draws the line at sentences over 40 words. The second school cites research that finds sentences more than 15-20 words (on average) are difficult to read -- even for the college educated. The short sentence school suggests a goal of 35 words or less for the most lengthy sentence. Your sentence is 70 words long!

 

Your sentence suffers from three basic problems (plus more minor issues of missing articles, singular/plural disagreements, capitalization issues, and misused verbs).

 

First, you appear to be linking five separate thoughts in a single sentence. A simple sentence conveys a single thought. A compound sentence links two related thoughts, and if structured properly, might stretch to include a third.  Your need to break your sentence into at least two, if not three, separate sentences.

 

Second, your sentence suffers from preposition sprawl. ESL writers and native-speaking students who wish to appear “educated” often use too many prepositional phrases. At times, it seems that their writing is nothing but one prepositional phrase strung after another. More than one or two prepositional phrases per sentence begins to wear on your readers because they're forced to put more and more material "on hold" as they try to figure out what the phrases modify. As a rule of thumb, the Chicago Manual of Style recommends that prepositions make up only 7 to 10 percent of the total words in a text. This represents no more than two prepositions, on average, per 20 word sentence.

 

I've highlighted the prepositions in your sentence:

 

"Therefore, to conclude on the role that pharmacist play in reduction of health disparities in United states, it is essential for them to be in position to provide culturally competent care because they are the ones who play an important role in influencing the patients health status in a direct manner through their direct engagement in various patient treatments as well as through the pharmaceutical care they provide to them."

 

There are 12 prepositions in your sentence.

 

Third, your sentence suffers from a number of wordy constructions that can be pared down to be more concise. Don't beat around the bush. Be direct and concise. I'll list them below and offer a more concise alternative:

 

"to conclude on" --> to be honest, I'm not sure what you mean here. "Conclude" in any of its forms does not seem to fit with the context. Perhaps another verb is more appropriate.

 

"the role that pharmacists play"  (note the plural) --> can be said more concisely as "the pharmacists' role".

 

"in the reduction of" (note the article "the") --> could become "in reducing"

 

"health disparities in the United States" (note the articel "the" and the capitalization) --> is "in the United States" necessary?

 

"to be in position to provide" --> "to provide"

 

"they are the ones who play an important role in influencing the patients health status in a direct manner" --> "they directly influnce their paitents' health status"

 

 "through their direct engagement in various patient treatments" --> "through their engagement in patient treatment". Both direct and various are redundant in this sentence.

 

"as well as through the pharmaceutical care they provide to them." --> "and through the pharmaceutical care they provide."

link comment answered May 25 '12 at 06:00 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

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