Sentence structure

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By determining the intersection of smoking between Black and White teens along with the cause; future researchers can narrow the causes of smoking in the teen years and further develop more effective smoking interventions.

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By determining the intersection of smoking between Black and White teens along with the cause; future researchers can narrow the causes of smoking in the teen years and further develop more effective smoking interventions.
asked May 18 '12 at 01:40 Cheryl Stephenson New member

1 answer


1

The semi-colon should be a comma.  Black and white are not proper nouns, so they should not be capitalized.

 

Your choice of words makes for a very confusing sentence. 

 

In the first clause, it appears you are looking for a point on a graph that intersects – the intersection of smoking.  But you are relating that number to a cause.  A cause is not a number, but would instead create a bar graph:  20% smoke because of Cause A, 17% smoke because of Cause B, etc.  There are no intersecting lines on a bar graph. 

 

In the second part of the sentence, I would change the wording of researchers can narrow the causes.  An intervention does not remove the cause, so the number of causes can’t be narrowed.  I think you mean to say narrow in on or find the causes with the strongest correlation.  This is really what you are trying to say in the first part, so it is somewhat redundant.

 

After determining the strongest correlations between various causes and the occurrence of smoking among black and white teens, researchers can more effectively develop successful smoking interventions.  

link comment answered May 18 '12 at 03:11 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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