gramer and usage, spelling and punctuation

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The file did not contain any explanation pertaining to the lender’s acceptance of an employment letter in lieu of the employment documentation that the loan approval noted had already been obtained.

asked May 02 '12 at 16:25 Valerie New member

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Your sentence is awkward and ambiguous.  To me it communicates one thing--confusion. I'm not sure what you mean. Write what you mean. Sometimes, we try too hard to sound professional.  Simplifying the words and sentence structure might better convey the meaning of your message. What is the point you are trying to make? Is it your intention to mislead the reader, make him work hard? If so, you've done an excellent job.  Suggestions and questions follow--

 

The sentence begins with "The file". What file? Be specific.

 

Next, "did not contain any explanation pertaining to the lender's acceptance of an employment letter".  Is there a way to shorten this? Use less words.  Alternate: The lender's acceptance of an employment letter was not noted on the file.

 

Finally, "in lieu of the employment documentation that the loan approval noted had already been obtained." What? Does "employment documentation" refer to required documentation? Does "loan approval" refer to a specific department in the bank? Or, Do you mean to say that the loan was approved? Is the applicant being considered for loan approval? What loan? Again, be clear in what you mean to say. You don't want the reader to guess at what you are communicating.

 

Last part of sentence:  (Question)Could be written as follows: However, the required employment documentation for loan approval is included with the application. ( Am I off-base in meaning of your sentence?)  Perhaps you mean: However, the loan department has received the necessary documentation of lender's employment for consideration of loan approval. ???????!    

link comment answered May 02 '12 at 18:20 Kevin Knott New member

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