Help with a sentence, please.

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I am currently writing a short essay but have run into a bump on the road. I cannot find a way to correct this sentence to make it flow better in the essay.

See example:

Something I look forward to experiencing is the opportunity to see the individual children grow and improve in their health.
asked Jun 06 at 03:07 Kimberly Farias New member

2 answers


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It is wordy. You are going to look, have an experience, have an opportunity, and see. Hmmm . . . It sounds like you are trying to express how much you look forward to this by throwing a whole bunch of words at it. How about stating the obvious, then adding some feeling?

 

Another point about your sentence. The subject of the sentence is "something" and the rest of the sentence defines "something." A timid child will say, "Something I want for Christmas is a toy." A child who is sure of himself, who wants to get the point across, will say, "I want a toy for Christmas!" Take a stand, Kimberly. Say what you want to say. Don't hide behind a timid pronoun.

 

I look forward to watching each child grow with improved health. This is an exciting opportunity!

link comment edited Jun 06 at 06:10 Patty T Grammarly Fellow
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I look forward to the experience of witnessing the growth and improved health of each child. 

link comment answered Jun 10 at 08:21 Nitin Anand New member

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