I know my message is too long, how can I make it more concise and accurate?

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Dear Murray;


I thought that I would make things clear here in order to avoid any misunderstanding between us


The reason that I was bit over reacting when I approached you as a stadium manager to report a gym complaint because a member’s car was broken into and that incident happened during my work shift. I was the duty manager and I felt responsible for that.


Sadly, our discussion turned into an argument. you mentioned to me in a loud voice that those gym issues should always be reported via my club manager and not through myself, as you were trying to explain to me that I shouldn’t be contacting you initially. The way you have spoken to me made me feel very bad. Then I had to send a text message where I expressed my frustration that we shouldn’t be making any direct contacts with each other in order to avoid any unnecessary clashes


I do value your stadium and I am meticulous when it comes to the lock up. However, you mentioned to me few times that I should always close up properly and I took that you do not trust the way I manage it. That’s why I suggested that you could hire someone else to do the job. By the end of the day, I do not wish to compromise the safety of your stadium


From the safety point of view, I made a suggestion to consider fixing the doors that are facing the gyms car park. As they are bit unstable and that could make it easier for an intruder to access the stadium leading to a theft. Whoever has closed up that night might be liable for that


My club manager clarified to me that some boys were given your permission for using the stadium for playing basket, as I was not quite sure about it and my concern was that they played on Friday for a long time and I had to limit their time frame in order to avoid too much of an electricity consumption and next time I will use my own judgment


Sorry, I should have reported the safety hazard to my club manager first in relation to the water spillage. My main intention was to protect other people from getting exposed to unnecessary injuries


Because my club manager have not reported to you few things in the past, that’s why I got out of my way and informed you about some gym issues and work related things. AS members concerns to me are of top priorities and I would like to address them in a profession manner


Eventually, I do apologize for any inconvenience that I might have caused and I always believe in the myth (moving on)


Best Regards

 

 

Rayan  

asked Apr 21 '12 at 07:43 RAYAN New member

1 answer


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Here are some of the things I see first.  When you start a business letter, you would use the person's first and last name or at least their title prefix and their last name.  Calling people by their first name tends to be rude in the business world.  Then you would end that with a colon.

 

The part about "mentioned to me in a loud voice" is wordy.  He shouted or yelled at you.  Or you could use "loudly stated."

 

Using the past participle form in many of the sentences may be unnecessary and overly wordy.  You also use the present participle form where  it is unnecessary.  However, you also failed to use the present participle tense when it would have decreased your word count:

 

"Too much of an electricity consumption" can easily be restated as "using too much electricity."

 

The idiom "got out of my way" should be "went out of my way," or "gone out of my way."

 

There are some missing words in places.  "However, you mentioned to me few times..." is missing the article "a" before "few."

 

The part about getting exposed to unnecessary injuries can be shortened.  Is there such a thing as a necessary injury?

 

I don't know what believing in the myth or moving on relate to, but it has no ending punctuation.  In fact, you are missing punctuation at the end of the last sentence in each paragraph.  Here is what I have:

 

Dear Mr. Murray:

 

I thought that I would make things clear here in order to avoid any misunderstanding between us.

 

The reason that I may have overreacted when I approached you to report a gym complaint because a member’s car was broken into and that incident happened during my work shift. I was the duty manager, and I felt responsible for that.

 

Sadly, our discussion turned into an argument. You shouted that gym issues should always be reported via my club manager and not through myself, as you were trying to explain to me that I shouldn’t be contacting you initially. The way you spoke to me made me feel very bad. Then I had to send a text message where I expressed my frustration that we shouldn’t be making any direct contacts with each other in order to avoid any unnecessary clashes.

 

I value your stadium, and I am meticulous when it comes to the lock up. However, you mentioned to me a few times that I should always close up properly, and I understand that you do not trust how I manage it. That’s why I suggested that you could hire someone else to do the job. By the end of the day, I do not wish to compromise the safety of the stadium.

 

From the safety point of view, I made a suggestion to consider fixing the doors that are facing the gyms car park. They seem a bit unstable, and that could make it easier for an intruder to access the stadium leading to a theft. Whoever has closed up that night might be liable for that.

 

My club manager clarified to me that some boys were given your permission for using the stadium for playing basket, as I was not quite sure about it and my concern was that they played on Friday for a long time, and I had to limit their time frame in order to avoid using too much electricity and next time I will use my own judgment.

 

I know that I should have reported the safety hazard to my club manager first in relation to the water spillage. My main intention was to protect others from getting injured.

 

Because my club manager did not report a few things to you in the past, I went out of my way and informed you about some gym issues and work related things. Members' concerns are of top priority to me, and I would like to address them in a professional manner.

 

You have my apologies for any inconvenience that I might have caused, and I always believe in the myth (moving on).


Best Regards,

Rayan

link comment edited Apr 27 '12 at 16:47 Courtney Contributor

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