How can I say this in a clearer way?
It is a summary about me for Linkeddin
In her last position as the youth service specialist at Center for Community Alternatives, she played an essential role in planning a youth involvement conference from start to finish, where more than 100 participants attended.
Hi Daisy! Just like on your resume, you want your LinkedIn summary to have the most punch with the fewest words. Hiring managers look at a lot of resumes and a lot of profiles. Including numbers like "100 participants" is always a good idea. Try to make every phrase of your summary add information and value.
I would delete "in her last position." It is unecessary to know this was the last job you had. It could have been three jobs ago and it is still just as relevant.
What was the essential role? When you use broad and vague terminology, it appears that you are attempting to stretch the truth. If your role was essential, what was the role? You gave your job title (capitalize the title) but got vague about your role.
Name the conference. An unnamed conference might not have existed. Be sure of yourself. Put it out there! I'm not a great fan of writing in the third person on LinkedIn. I know some people do it, but I think it looks a bit cheesy. My preference is to write in first person and then get people to write recommendations for your work.
I'll make up the missing facts to give you a rewrite. Let's say your role was to secure sponsors to pay for the event.
As a Youth Service Specialist at the Center for Community Alternatives, I secured funds from twenty sponsors in order to provide free attendance for over 100 participants at the 2013 Youth Involvement Conference.
If you did a whole bunch of things along with several other people, you could perhaps write:
As a Youth Service Specialist at the Center for Community Alternatives, I collaborated with a team of seven associates to plan and execute the 2013 Youth Involvement Conference.
A thesaurus is a great tool when writing anything, especially when you are looking for a word with enough oomph!
|link||answered May 01 '14 at 14:29 Patty T Grammarly Fellow|
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