How can I make it more accurate and concise?

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Dear Kisi;

 

 

I would like to bring up to your attention that I do not wish to get involved anymore in terms of locking up the stadium. It is a big responsibility and I have to deal with many things whilst I am securing the place. The main thing that it takes most of my attention during my work shift at the Gym

 

On the other hand, I am happy to pursue on my career at the fitness club. I do like the atmosphere and the members. Moreover, I am keen on covering for my work colleagues during their leave and to assist you with promoting the business

 

 

I am happy to discuss it further, if you wish

 

Thank you for your time

 

Rayan

asked Apr 18 '12 at 05:39 RAYAN New member

2 answers


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Thanks Rayan, your revision here is much easier to read.

 

Here are some suggestions for making it even better.

 

"bring up to your attention" is usually just "bring to your attention".  While you may "bring something up", you usually just "call to attention" or "bring to your attention.

 

"to get involved anymore in terms of locking up" is a wordy way of saying "to lock up".

 

"whilst" is archaic. We normally use "while."

 

"main thing that it takes" is missing something. "main thing is that it takes"?

 

"Gym" need not be capitalize unless it is the proper name of the business.  A period is reqired after "Gym".

 

"do like" --> the "do" is not required, but here it may be okay as it adds to your "voice".

 

"to assist" --> this sentence has what is called a compound predicate. The verbs in both halves of the compound need to be parallel. In the first clause, you used "covering" and in the second you used "to assist".  It should be either "covering" and "assisting" (best here)... or "to cover" and "to assist".

 

Periods are missing at the ends of the last three sentences.

link comment answered Apr 18 '12 at 13:49 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow
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My opinion:

 

Dear Kisi, -> why the semi-colon?

 

It looks like you're writing to a superior. I wouldn't say "I would like to bring to your attention" to a superior. The last sentence in the paragraph isn't a complete sentence.

 

Off the top of my head, how about something like this: 

 

There is something I'm worried about and I would like to tell you about it. During my shift at the gym (could be capital if the place is actually called The Gym), there are many things I have to deal with in my duty of securing the place (to keep the place secure?). Locking the stadium is a big responsibility and I feel that having to do it too will affect my other tasks.

 

On the other hand, I am happy to pursue my career at the fitness club. I do like the atmosphere and the members. Moreover, I am keen on covering for (sorry to contradict Jeff, but 'cover for' is a valid phrasal verb meaning to do someone else's work while they're away) my colleagues during their leave and to assist you in promoting the business.

 

I am happy to discuss it further if you wish.

link comment edited Apr 21 '12 at 10:25 A Clil To Climb Contributor

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