How can I make it more accurate and concise?

0

Hi Peter;

 

As discussed, we agreed that you would pay me $150.00 on every Tuesday with regard to the spinning classes that I am running at your health club, however, I have not received the payment yet, the reason that I am bringing it up to your attention is that I would like to have a piece of mind whilst I am preparing for the indoor cycling session and I do not feel comfortable teaching without receiving the payment, by the end of hte day, its your businness and income

 

I would appreciate, if you could take my message into consideration

 

Thank you for your time

 

Rayan

Peter is the club manager asked Apr 15 '12 at 18:48 RAYAN New member

1 answer


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Here are some suggestions for making it more concise.  You should look for redundancies, unnecessary clauses, and prepositional clauses that can be replaced with possessives.

 

"As discussed," --> this can be deleted as "we agreed" says the same thing.

 

"we agreed that you would" --> "that" after a verb is a verbal tic that can often be deleted without loss of meaning or making the grammar incorrect.

 

 "on every Tuesday" --> can be replaced with "each Tuesday" without loss of meaning.

"with regard to" --> can be replaced by "for".

 

"the spinning classes that I am running at your health club" --> more concisely, "your health club's spinning class that I teach."

 

Your letter consists of one, extremely long sentence made up of several independent clauses linked by commas in some places (this problem is called a comma splice) and a comma plus conjuction in one other place. I suggest that you divide the text into several sentences separated by periods.  The first period fall here, before "however,"

 

"however, I have not received the payment yet," --> Capitalie "However,". Delete "yet" as unnecessary and somewhat redundant. Add a period after "payment." "However, I have not received the payment."  I would also suggest saying "any payment."

 

"the reason that I am bringing it up to your attention" --> delete "the reason that". It is enough to say "I am ..." Delete "up". It is enough to say "I am bringing it to your attention".

 

"is that I would like to have a piece of mind whilst I am preparing for the indoor cycling session and" --> this information is unnecessary in business correspondence. Basially, "too much information", and is not pertinent to the issue at hand.  Replace with "because".

 

"I do not feel comfortable teaching without receiving the payment," --> Change "without receiving the payment" to "without being paid" and end with a period. Suggest changing "teaching" with "continuing to teach." Change "without receiving the payment" to "without being paid."

 

"by the end of hte day, its your businness and income"  --> I am not really sure what you are trying to say here, especially the "its your business and income." I'm guessing that you are asking for immediate payment. Suggest saying "I expect payment today" (hardline ending) or "I would appreciate a response today" (softline). Also, the sentence should end with a period.

 

"I would appreciate, if you could take my message into consideration <period missing> Thank you for your time <period missing>"  You end what is essentially a demand letter with two polite flourishes. Two may be too many.  Also, in the first, you beat around the bush and don't quite say what is meant. "I would appreciate an immediate reply" or "I would appreciate immediate payment." Both of my suggestions are redundant as the previous sentence (or at least my interpretation) asks for immediate payment. Do one or the other, not both. 

 

Dear Peter:

 

We agreed you would pay me $150.00 each Tuesday for your health club's spinning class that I teach. However, I have not received any payments. I am bringing it to your attention is because I do not feel comfortable continuing to teach without being paid. I would appreciate an immediate response.

 

Thank you."   

link comment edited Apr 15 '12 at 20:59 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

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