Please check the accuracy of the paragraph below, as I wish to send it in a professional manner

1

Murray, I am in the process of finishing a short course regarding sports massages, and I would like to ask you for a favour. As I will need to practice on a case study, I would like to give you a complimentary massage. Your body type would be ideal for the practical course component, and it would add an advantage to my skills. I heard that you have a massage room facility at the Stadium, and if we can use it, that would be convenient for you. Ultimately, it would be good to have your feedback. Please let me know if you will do this for me and if you accept my offer, it would be confidential and gentlemen deal Cheers, Rayan

asked Apr 11 '12 at 23:02 RAYAN New member

2 answers


1

Murray,

 

I am finishing a short, sports-massage course and would like to ask a favour. To complete my coursework, I need to undertake a case study. I hope that you will agree to participate.

 

If you agree, I will give you a complimentary massage. Your body type is ideal for the practical course component, and this practice will enhance my skills. I understand you have a convenient massage room facility at the Stadium; could we use it? After the message, I would like to hear your feedback.

 

Please let me know if you will do this for me. If you accept my offer, it would remain confidential and between gentlemen.

 

Cheers, Rayan

 

(I've a tone consistent with the Americanbusiness correspondance I've written in recent years.)  

link comment edited Apr 11 '12 at 23:28 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow
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Here are my suggestions:

 

sports massage.

practise for a case study

I don't like "advantage" but I can't think of a better word - can the others, I wonder? I'd be tempted to simply say "the experience would add to my skills".

the place is called The Stadium? If so, T needs to be capitalised; if not, the S shouldn't.

...and if we could use it, it would be great.

Please let me know if you would accept my offer.

I'd remove the last sentence.

link comment edited Apr 11 '12 at 23:32 A Clil To Climb Contributor

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