Thanks, this is my San story, with the end.

2

The first Khoe-San peoples of South Africa lived in a spiritually blessed Eden. Children’s only role was to laugh and play. The women folk were highly respected. Men walked and hunted all day. When it was necessary to kill an animal, the Khoe-San would sacrifice their apologies to the animal. Their healthy lifestyles in sync with all living beings around them.

Strange people from all over the world arrived and started to take over their land, the wild animals, erecting fences. The intruders spread disease,  plundering the resources of the land.

Forcing the children of the veld to farm with cattle, live in mundane, cramped, septic settlements, to work on farms. To loose freedom.

With every decade, all these loud strangers remained, nature started dwindling more. The Khoe-San saw with their own eyes the toxification of water. Regarded by the Khoe-San as the most valuable thing in their lives. The trampling of land, the diminishing numbers of the wild, now just like them being fenced in and hunted. Destruction of what was once free plains to roam in, with build up monstrosities called houses, towns and cities.

The ancient people grew weary, sad, and silent.  

asked Apr 06 '12 at 20:42 Sonja Pienaar New member

1 answer


1

Very thoughtful, Sonja.

 

Your story does have a number of sentence fragments, run-on sentences, and problems with parallelism. Without changing your words (or at least as few as possible), here is a corrected version. I've put in bold the places where changes occur.

 

"The first Khoe-San peoples of South Africa lived in a spiritually blessed Eden. Children’s only role was to laugh and play. The women folk were highly respected. Men walked and hunted all day. When it was necessary to kill an animal, the Khoe-San would sacrifice their apologies to the animal. Their healthy lifestyles were in sync with all living beings around them.

Strange people from all over the world arrived and started to take over their land, the wild animals, erecting fences. The intruders spread disease and  plundered the resources of the land. They forced the children of the veld to farm with cattle; to live in mundane, cramped, septic settlements; to work on farms; and to loose their freedom.

With every decade, all these loud strangers remained, and nature dwindled more. The Khoe-San saw with their own eyes the toxification of water. Regarded by the Khoe-San as the most valuable thing in their lives.<????> The trampling of land, the diminishing numbers of the wild <????>, now just like them being fenced in and hunted. Destruction of what was once free plains to roam in, with build up monstrosities called houses, towns and cities. <????>

The ancient people grew weary, sad, and silent."

 

The last three items I've marked <????> require a more extensive rewording in order to make them complete sentences.

 

If I may also suggest, there are several usages that are wordy and could be improved. "saw with their own eyes" is redundant and can be replaced with "saw" without any loss of meaning or feeling. Often "of" or "of the" can be replaced with a simple possessive.

 

Here I will have to change more of your words:

 

"South Africa's first Khoe-San people lived in a spiritually blessed Eden. Children’s only role was to laugh and play. The women folk were highly respected. Men walked and hunted all day. When it was necessary to kill an animal, the Khoe-San would sacrifice their apologies to the animal. They lived in harmony with all living beings around them.

Strange people from all over the world arrived and took over their land and the wild animals by erecting fences. The intruders spread disease and  plundered the land's resources. They forced the children of the veld to farm with cattle; to live in mundane, cramped, septic settlements; to work on farms; and to loose their freedom.

With every decade, these loud strangers multiplied, and nature dwindled. The Khoe-San saw the water poisoned."

 

Sonja, work on pulling your thoughts into complete sentences -- especially those several <????> toward the end. Post again, I'm sure we'd all like to see it.  

link answered Apr 06 '12 at 22:04 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

Thanks that was very helpful. In my language we are free to do with words as we please, and we havere have not as many rules as with English. Thus for me Afrikaans is very colourful and wonderful too write stories in. Unfortunately, there are no courses in my own language, but to learn how to write in another language opens up the door to the world.

Sonja PienaarApr 06 '12 at 22:15

to not too

Sonja PienaarApr 06 '12 at 22:15

Sonja, whatever you do, don't let the "rules" of English obscure the "feeling" that AAfrikaans brings to your writing. By all means, learn those rules. But recognize they can be broken for effect if the meaning is clear.

Many well-respected American authors employ sentence fragments (not too often and only if the meaning is clear). I would suggest reading the American essayist Joan Didion for examples of clear language that sometimes breaks the rules, but conveys the feeling. I'll post as a question a sample paragraph.

Jeff PribylApr 06 '12 at 22:34

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