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My husband older daughter, son and I were excited when we received paper work from where we was station in the Military at Davis Monthan Air Force base that we were going to be transfer to Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs Colorado.
asked Jan 09 at 02:20 Brenda Neal New member

2 answers


1

You need some commas to state who was excited more clearly. 'Our family' could also substitute for the list you gave.  You should reword the rest to simplify the sentence.

Because you use the phrase 'older daughter', that implies that you have another, younger daughter who was not excited about the move

 

My husband, older daughter, son, and I were excited when we received the word that he would be transferred from Davis Monthan Air Force base Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

 

Our family was excited when we received the word that he would be transferred from Davis Monthan Air Force base Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

link comment answered Jan 09 at 17:25 Lewis Neidhardt Grammarly Fellow
1

You wrote "My husband older daughter, son and I were excited when we received paper work from where we was station in the Military at Davis Monthan Air Force base that we were going to be transfer to Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs Colorado."

 

There are several problems with the sentence besides it being a bit long and confusing. I like the rewording that Lewis gave, although I would eliminate the word 'the' before 'word'. He also accidentally left out the word 'to' between the two air force base names. You may also want to clarify who 'he' is in the sentence for one should not automatically assume that the oldest man in the family would be the only one employed at the base. Hence, the sentence would read as follows:

 

Our family was excited when we received word that my husband would be transferred from Davis Monthan Air Force base to Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

 

Or, if you prefer to list your family you could word it like this:

 

My husband, older daughter, son, and I were excited when we received word that he would be transferred from Davis Monthan Air Force base to Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

 

Good luck with your letter!

 

:)

link comment answered Jan 09 at 23:52 Karen OKeefe Contributor

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