Sentence Structure

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I am writing a song. The lyric starts:

 

The explosion blew our Humvee of the track.

We lost Harold and Sylvester falling back.

 

Is the second line grammmatically correct? The word 'falling' is a participle but it is separated from the subject, which in many cases is confusing. 

 

The meaning in this case seems pretty clear - that we, as a group of soldiers, were falling back to defensive positions and lost our two comrades in the process. But it could be construed that we lost Harold and Sylvester while they were falling back, although if that was the intended meaning, the sentence would be seriously flawed.

 

I undertand that these would both have better sentence structure:

Falling back, we lost Harold and Sylvester.

We lost Harold and Sylvester while falling back.

 

But I am writing lyrics, and due to matters of rhythm and meter, I don't have those options. My question is, is the sentence incorrectly structured, or just imperfectly structured?

edited Dec 28 '13 at 05:37 nmsaer New member

Downvoted, so I am removing my correct and adept response.

Aaron PrejeanJan 07 at 06:33

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1 answer


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You really can't worry too much about grammar when writing poetry. As you said, the meter and rhyme will often override the possibility of good grammar.

The second line is fine, although you need 'off', not 'of', in the first.

link comment answered Dec 28 '13 at 13:06 Lewis Neidhardt Grammarly Fellow

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