how do I make this sentence more appropriate

1

findings from the study shows that for every health condition examined between the two countries poor health outcomes were more higher for the US adults than the Europeans and the health of the poor.minority us particulalry worse coampared to their european counterpart

See example:

Findings from the study shows that every health condition examined between the two countries poor health outcomes were more higher for the US adults than the Europeans and the health of the poor/minority is particularly worse compared to their European counterpart.
asked Nov 09 '13 at 15:49 sena green New member

3 answers


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The findings of a study on health conditions in the  the United States and Europe reveal poorer health outcomes, particularly amung the poor and minorities in the US. 

link comment answered Nov 09 '13 at 19:38 Robin Delk New member
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You have quite a lot of problems with this sentence. It doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Make sure, when you write, that the singular and plural match correctly.  Since you have plural findings, the verb show needs to match - findings show.   At the end of the sentence, their refers to multiple people, so they have multiple counterparts - their counterparts

 

You don't examine between two things.  If you want to talk about the "poor health outcomes" of two countries, you need the possessive form with an apostrophe - two countries' outcomes.  But "poor health outcomes" is a poor choice of words as well. 

 

You indicate that the study is looking at two countries, yet you refer to the US and Europe.  The US is a country, but Europe is a continent. 

 

If this is academic writing, avoid things like "poor/minority".  This is too informal.  It also appears that you just don't know what to call this group of people.  For an academic paper, you don't want to write as if you don't know what you are talking about. 

 

I don't know what the study actually shows, so I may have changed your meaning, but here is an example rewrite.

 

For each health condition examined, the study found a higher rate of poor health in US adults when compared to their European counterparts.  The difference in this rate was even greater for minorities and the poor.   

link comment answered Nov 10 '13 at 17:26 Patty T Grammarly Fellow
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I would rewrite the sentence:

 

The study examined the average health conditions in the US and the European countries. It revealed the adults in the US had poorer health than their European counterparts. It was even worse for minorities and the poor.

link comment answered Nov 11 '13 at 15:12 Qiaoshang New member

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