whats wrong with this sentence
Just as Helen and Jane's friendship has grown stronger Helen dies young and innocent of consumption.
Remain in simple present or present-perfect, but not both:
...grows stronger, Helen dies..."
Follow introductory adverb clause with a comma (between stronger and Helen).
What does their growing friendship have to do with Helen dying young?
There could be a correlation, but you have not displayed it.
"innocent of consumption"--not sure you have the correct word choice here...
"dying young" and "consumption" in the same sentence are going to draw correlaries to intelligent people such as myself--I seriously think you need to change "consumption".
|link comment||edited Nov 08 '13 at 00:53 Aaron Prejean Expert|
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