Your comments on the statement of purpose No corrections needed
Hello Sir,
I am very sorry to trouble you . I only just want your comments on this statement of purpose as I am applying for a master's degree in UK.
STATEMENT OF PURPOSE
Being born in an orthodox family convergent with heritage, I used to wonder at the style of education, imparted in the school of western system and discipline where I studied, as knowledge fortified was in a different style and discipline coupled with the culture that prevail in India.
I was so curious about the happenings around me, so to say the phenomenal rise of electronic technology that mooted a rapid change of lifestyle imbibed with comforts and luxuries in the form of television, computer, cellular phone, the ability to invade space through rockets in pursuit of more information of the space that remained a mystery till the advent of technology on par, drawing numerous scientists into more research in quest. Having been wonderstruck I found an EMBRYO, raring to sprout to the extent I desire for comprehensive knowledge in the above mentioned areas, that propelled me to pursue under-graduation in electronics and communication.
Study at school unfolded different aspects of science-physics, chemistry etc., Physics and its scope caught my eyes. Fundamentals of Physics by Halliday, Resnick and Walker triggered my liking towards Physics. During under-graduation, I was bemused by the concepts of Field Theory, which is of fundamental importance to physicists and to electrical and computer engineers, as it is indispensable in understanding of cathode ray oscilloscopes, radar, satellite communication, television reception, remote sensing, optical fiber communication, transients in transmission lines and so on. Even Circuit concepts represent a restricted version, a special case, of electromagnetics. It all makes me enthusiastic and induces me to contribute towards science and technology. My keenness in observing the events and activities around me prompted me to create a device which I named as “Dipstick”, (an automatic switch that puts off overflowing) after watching an acquaguard (water purifier) overflowing in the college. It was a simple effort from us (two), using a filestick with a float attached at one end and a simple relay circuit for an automatic switch off. Perhaps, Occam’s razor must have sparked in my mind to simplify the process. I also designed a “Solar reflector” at the behest of Techfest, IIT Bombay. The apparatus that I created consisted of a parabaloid dish, heat exchange unit without a tracking mechanism due to negligible error during the movement of sun by 7.5ْ in 30min. This distinguished design with better yield won us the second prize. This exposure and reading books on the services rendered by Karl Friedrich Gauss, Maxwell, Oliver Heaviside revealed the role of mathematics in any technology , be it computer design, signal processing, VLSI design etc. So, I leapt forward to mathematics that lead to Linear Algebra which is one of the strengths for any innovation. This conferred on me an opportunity to conduct a workshop on Linear Algebra.
sanjay
Expert
1 answer 
Sanjay,
I only read the first sentence & scanned through the rest. This forum is for questions & answers about grammar usage & vocabulary and we don't edit long passages. The first sentence is very long & this seems more like an essay discussing how you arrived at your purpose (events of the past) more than a statement of what that purpose is. A statement of purpose is usually much more concise and describes what end result you are looking for.
Very simply:
The purpose of ______ is to _______.
I am pursuing a master's degree to further my career.
You can go into more detail about what the purpose is, but it probably shouldn't be more than a couple sentences.
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Aside from your question, I have to add a note about the salutation. "Dear Sir" is quite formal and we are a rather informal bunch here. Also, not all of us are men. In the US, most women cringe when they see this used to address an unknown person. I own a business. Long ago, formal letters written to a business (when the owner's name was unknown) were always addressed to "Dear Sir" but this is no longer the norm. It made me cringe 25 years ago and I am glad that I rarely see this anymore. This may be different in India, but here on Grammarly feel free to open with "Hi!"
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edited Mar 23 '12 at 05:26
Patty T
Grammarly Fellow
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I've always been partial to "Gentle Reader:"
The formality (or lack thereof) in internet communications and local cultural norms facinate me. Three years back, I was the lead academic space planner for the Health Sciences College at the new Princess Noura University for Women in Saudia Arabia, The project team was worldwide -- US (five locations), Paris, Milan, Beruit, Cairo, Riyayd, and Pune, India. Although it was not an official requirement, English was the language for all communications (both internal and external) throughout the project. The Americans, French, and Italians treated email as informal communications and adopted a conversational tone. The Middle Easterners and Indians were much, more formal... until they met you in person. Even then, a slightly greater level of formality remained. I found myself adopting a more formal tone (out of respect) in response. After several trips to the Middle East, I asked one of the Beruit engineers about the formalilty. He laughed and said even though his degree was from the University of Texas (and after 20 years of practice in the United States), his formality in writing and speech returned after he went back to the Middle East.
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