sentences structure

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how would you reword this sentance?

See example:

When compared to other cities in Texas and to cities nationwide, the patients in McAllen received more expensive tests, procedures, treatments and surgeries while in other hospitals, the care was much better and cost was much lower.
asked Oct 16 '13 at 15:42 Durline Manhertz New member

1 answer


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You have too many comparisons here.  It is very difficult to understand what exactly you are trying to say.

 

When you make a comparison, make sure you are comparing apples to apples.  You are comparing cities with "patients in McAllen."  I assume that McAllen is a hospital.  You can't compare a person or a hospital with a city.  Fix this by removing any mention of cities.  You are comparing this hospital with those in Texas or nationwide.  The reader can assume most hospitals are in or near a city. 

 

The middle of the sentence has more confusion.  McAllen's patients received services while at another hospital?  Since you are comparing the hospitals, don't make the patient the subject of the sentence.

 

The end of the sentence tells us that the patients received better care for a lower cost somewhere, but I have no idea where.  Is it McAllen or the other hospitals?  There is no clarity in this sentence.

 

Finish the comparison.  Don't just say they did more of these things.  Say they did more of these things than others did.  Did the hospital do more (or less) than all other hospitals, than most other hospitals, than some other hospitals?

 

When compared to hospitals in Texas and nationwide, McAllen provided more/less expensive tests, procedures, treatments, and surgeries than the average facility.

link comment answered Oct 16 '13 at 17:12 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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