Is this good English?

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Leigh is a mischievous moth that loves fluttering around dangerous thing until she flutters around fire and got burnt.

asked Oct 02 '13 at 14:56 Noel Jones New member

2 answers


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Put an 's' on 'thing' and everything is fine. 'Mischievous moth' and 'flutters around fire' is good alliteration. You want 'flutters' and 'got burnt' to agree in tense. Either 'fluttered' and 'got burnt' or 'flutters' and 'gets burnt'.

Leigh is a mischievous moth that loves fluttering around dangerous things until she fluttered around fire and got burnt.

link edited Oct 02 '13 at 19:04 Lewis Neidhardt Grammarly Fellow

Or maybe I can say: Leigh is a mischievous moth that loves fluttering around dangerous things. One day she fluttered around fire and burnt one of her wings.

Noel JonesOct 02 '13 at 21:19

I like your first one better. It's simpler, the alliteration is choice, and it flows smoothly.

Lewis NeidhardtOct 02 '13 at 21:46

Thanks for your help Lewis, I'll go with the first one: Leigh is a mischievous moth that loves fluttering around dangerous things until she fluttered around fire and got burnt

Noel JonesOct 02 '13 at 22:04

I just noticed another verb to change. 'Loves' should be 'loved'. With 'until' in the sentence, it implies that she used to love to flutter, but not any more.

Leigh is a mischievous moth that loved fluttering around dangerous things until she fluttered around fire and got burnt.

Lewis NeidhardtOct 03 '13 at 02:09

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Actually there's some tense confusion in there as well. It should either be in the present or in the past completely. Also, I am assuming that Leigh is a person, or at least a personified animal (because you can't really ascribe love to animal instinct) so it's better to use "who" than "that"

 

Leigh is a mischevious moth who loves fluttering around dangerous things until she flutters around fire and gets burnt.

 

Leigh was a mischevious moth who loved fluttering around dangerous things until she fluttered around fire and got burnt.

link answered Oct 02 '13 at 18:29 Meredith Avila New member

Good catch on who, Meredith.

Lewis NeidhardtOct 03 '13 at 22:45

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