how do i fix this

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can you help me and point me in the right direction?

See example:

Everyone needs computers because they have made a huge impact on the world with music, kids, adults and the older population.
asked Oct 01 '13 at 21:18 Laura Carothers New member

1 answer


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The sentence doesn't make much sense.  Let's start with the end of the sentence.  You have listed three groups of people: kids, adults, and the older population.  I hate to break it to you, but older people are adults. If you want to break something down into separate groups, one shouldn't be part of another.  This is similar to saying we have three kinds of pets at home: cats, dogs, and poodles. 

 

It is true that computers have made a huge impact on the world.  However, to state that the impact has been with music and people is just odd. In your context, the world refers to all people around the globe.  You have listed one specific area of impact and the world.  It just doesn't give any information to the reader.

 

You start the sentence with a promise to tell us why everyone needs a computer.  The fact that computers have made an impact doesn't explain why a person currently needs a computer.  Movable type made a huge impact on the world, but there was never a time in which everyone needed to own a printing press.  Surprising as it may be to some, there are still plenty of people who don't own a computer in the US.  In some countries, very few people even have access to a computer. 

 

Think about what point you want to make.  What does "need" mean?  Do you mean they need to own one or have access to one?  Perhaps you are making an argument for getting computers to third world countries because the general population will be impacted positively.  Add some content and give it another try.

link comment answered Oct 02 '13 at 00:16 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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