Reworking my Conclusion

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My conclusion:

 

Although the relationship between a Korean immigrant mother and a 2nd generation Korean American daughter remains unclear, it’s complexity is acknowledged by my research findings.

In order to locate her voice and identity as a Korean American woman, a daughter uncovers the connections between Korea and America, between the individual and the mixed communities; between her mother and herself. My research explores the tensions that Korean immigrant mothers and Korean-American daughters confront in the attempt to negotiate the conflicting demands of their culture and families with their relationship with each other as women. The daughter’s rejection of  gender and racial oppressions embodied by the cultural systems she is socialized into, and her dependence on her mother, her culture, and her adopted homeland were illustrated through my reasearch. Ultimately, the younger Korean-American daughter expresses a contemporary response to the older Korean generation.
Although the Korean-American daughter resents the oppressions evidenced within the patriarchal systems that socialize her, she does not entirely reject the importance of her mother’s culture. Therefore, the daughter’s need to find her unique self-identity is reflected through her strife to break the silence that constrict racism within American culture and sexism within Korean culture. This journey to find an identity as a Korean-American woman allows her to articulate her rejections of American and Korean authorities. Yet her love for her mother and respect of the American community enable her to attain self-actualization.

 

 

What my teacher said I need to change:

 

I think that this
should be discussed earlier, in relationship to the socialization (gender
roles) of Korean women and Korean-American daughters, so that you can end
by developing the responses of the daughters: the rejection that is part of
the process of self-identify exploration.  Is rejection (of the mother
and/or Korean culture) part of the first phase, which may get resolved or
balanced with acceptance and appreciation in the phase of self-actualization?

 

Any ideas how to rework this?

1 answer


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Natalie,

 

I think your teacher's suggestion goes beyond a reworking of your conclusion. If I read her comments correctly, she is asking you to provide greater discussion within the paper's body of certain ideas you raise in your conclusion. That is, your conclusions may not be supported by the body of evidence presented.

 

In court, in a debate, and in a paper, the summation (or conclusions) is not the place to introduce new evidence (or new ideas). Rather, the summation should be a concise reiteration of the important findings that are well-supported by the paper's body.

 

That said, there are a couple of style and usage comments I can offer about your existing conclusion.

 

"2nd generation" Both Chicago Manual of Style and MLA prefer spelling out ordinals. "second generation".

 

"it's complexity" The possessive "its" should be used here, rather than the contraction "it's" meaning "it is".

 

Because you have used the personal pronoun "my", I'm going to also assume that the active voice is allowed in your conclusions. Suggest changing "it’s complexity is acknowledged by my research findings." to "my research findings acknowledge its complexity."  Also, "research findings" is wordy and could be replaced by "findings".

 

Many of the sentences are unnecessarily long. I would suggest reducing the repetition of "Korean American" and "Korean" in nearly every sentence. Your reader should be, by the conclusion, familiar with the context.  For instance, on first usage "Korean immigrant mother" (actually, "Korean-immigrant mother"), on next usage "immigrant mother", and on subsequent usages "mother".  This can be extented to the entire paper, wit the sequence restarting with each new chapter (or similar division) or after another, different mother-daughter identity is introduced. A similar pattern can be used for "Korean American daughter" (Chicago, MLA, and others are now discouraging the hyphen American usage -- confusing yes, especially when you look at the other rules for compound words, but that's what editors now want). After first usage, it would become "daughter".

 

If active voice is allowed (and I personally believe that it is appropriate in the conclusions), I suggest changing the sentence that begins "The daughter's rejection of ..." to begin "My research illustrates ..."

 

"her strife to break the silence" "Strife" is a noun, not a verb. I think you were looking for "striving".

 

"the oppressions evidenced within the patriarchal systems that socialize her". Wordy. Suggest "the patriarchal system's oppressions".  In any case, "systems" should be singular "system".

 

I know this isn't quite what you were looking for. But I hope it helps anyway.

link comment answered Mar 19 '12 at 17:02 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow

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