Feedback on structure/wording of closing sentence.

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Below is my closing sentence for an article I am working on. As of now, it is one long sentence. But I feel as though its length is somewhat annoying to a reader. I would love to receive feedback and suggestions on how to improve my closing sentence. I want it to be impactful, yet not overly complicated.

 

We must prioritize the limited resources in public education and focus our efforts toward preparing our kids to become independent thinkers necessary for a democracy, rather than becoming subjects of seemingly arbitrary policies touted by school officials.

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If you feel you must shorten it, you could remove 'necessary for a democracy'. The sentence says a lot without it.  Think about adding 'their' or 'they' after 'rather than'. That would eliminate any confusion whether the clause refers to 'we' or 'kids'.

 

We must prioritize the limited resources in public education and focus our efforts toward preparing our kids to become independent thinkers, rather than their becoming subjects of seemingly arbitrary policies touted by school officials.

link comment answered Sep 18 '13 at 21:38 Lewis Neidhardt Grammarly Fellow

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