How can i change this?

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How? Can you help me in this. Thank you

See example:

It was earlier believed that the heart was the place of all human emotions and that the "vein of love" ran directly from the heart to the tip of the third finger of the left hand, which is where we wear our wedding rings today.
asked Mar 11 '12 at 21:24 Karla Diyab New member

3 answers


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Because I'm currently trying to tighten my 150,000 word research manuscript -- those editors! -- I'm on a kick to reduce redundancies. That said...

 

"It was believed ..." conveys the same meaning as "It was earlier believed ...", but with fewer words. Along the same vein, "emotion" could be used in place of "human emotion" -- unless your paper is discussing current research into animal emotions (a contraversial topic). 

 

And, just for flow, I'd use "the seat of all emotion" rather than "the placoe of all emotion." 

 

Just suggesting.

link comment answered Mar 12 '12 at 05:19 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow
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Again, a personal pet peeve of mine:

 

If you use "it was ___," or "it is ___" to begin a sentence, you're already being wordy.  You've used two words that don't say anything at all.  They are placeholders and nothing else.

 

In your passage, "It was earlier believed..."  a reader has a lot of questions.  By whom?  Who believed this?  Earlier than what?  You never answer those questions, and by doing so, leave a gaping hole in your statement.  For purposes of clarity (and not accuracy), I am going to pretend that the custom was originally that of the Green Bay Packers.  

 

The next part that I would address is "the heart was the place of all human emotions."  Frankly, I am still not certain what you mean by this.  It doesn't make sense with the rest of your passage.  If the heart is where we have emotions, what is a vein of love?  Would that not be a place that emotions (such as love) have escaped from the heart, and make the prior phrase untrue?  Perhaps you mean that the heart is the center of human emotions?  Perhaps that all emotions flowed from the heart?  Both make much more sense in context.  Plus, the heart is not really a place, but instead an organ.

 

Finally, you're cramming a lot of thoughts into this sentence.  You basically have (a) the Packers believing that the heart is the center of human emotions; (b) the Packers belief in love having its own pipeline to the heart; (c) the location of that Packers pipeline of love; and (d) the connection between that Packer belief and today's wedding customs.  Can you do so without a run-on?  Perhaps.  But why would you want to?

 

Compare the following re-write to your passage:

 

The Packers believed that all human emotions flowed from the heart.  They believed a "vein of love" ran directly from the heart to the tip of the third finger on the left hand, where we wear our wedding rings today.

link comment answered Mar 15 '12 at 19:39 Rik Kluessendorf Contributor
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The ancient Egyptians believed that the heart was the centre of all human emotions, and that  the “Vena Amors”, the Vein of Love, ran directly from the heart to the tip of the third finger of the left hand, where we wear our wedding rings today.

 

***http://www.kentlaw.edu/academics/lrw/grinker/LwtaClauses__Restrictive_and_Nonrest.htm

link comment answered Mar 23 '12 at 10:47 Dominic New member

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