what's wrong with this sentence?

2

what's wrong?

See example:

Secondly, the CEOs always regard HR department as a tool to manager employees more than a partner, because HR department is not an independent agency, it also need to be responsible for CEOs.
asked Mar 09 '12 at 15:44 fuchenyang New member

3 answers


1

1. Because THE HR department...

 

2. It also NEEDS...

 

3. for THE CEOs...

link comment answered Mar 09 '12 at 17:16 Jorge Alex Passamani New member
1

Use "Second" rather than "Secondly" See Robert Hartwell Fiske's DICTIONARY OF CONCISE WRITING.

Unless speaking of a specific, previously defined group of CEOs, delete "the" article as unnecessary and possibly confusing.

Use abbreviations only when necessary. Use "chief executive officers" rather than "the CEOs". See Chicago Manual of Style regarding use of abbreviations.

Can "always" be proven? If not, use "often" or "sometimes" or delete altogether.

"HR department" requires an article "the HR department" in which case, "the CEOs" should become singular -- different CEOs do not share a single HR department. Or, more likely intended, the HR department should become plural without an article "HR departments." Also, see above for use of abbreviations.

"More than" is incorrect in this usage. Use "rather than"

By introducing the "to manager" clause between the parts of the comparison "as a tool ... rather than" the meaning becomes confused. Suggest reordering "as a tool rather than a partner to manage ..."

If HR departments is plural as suggested, change "partner" to "partners".

"To manager" is incorrect. Proper usuage is "to manage." Even with this change, the construction remains awkward. See Tolley's comment.

Sentence is a run-on. Sugest breaking into two as proposed by Tolley.  Even then, I remained confused by what is intended. The second sentence does not seem to follow from or advance the first thought. Suggest further elaboration ... perhaps a third sentence ... to make clear.

 

Here is the first sentence with my suggested changes:

 

"Second, chief executive officers regard human resource departments as tools rather as partners to manage employees."

 

Finally, it should be noted that regardless of a CEO's attitude, HR departments are support functions that do not manage employees. Suggest finding a different, more accurate description of the HR department's function. As a professional with more than 25 years of Project Management experience, I know that HR finds me a team, pays them, and gives them benefits, but they do not manage the team's work.

link comment answered Mar 10 '12 at 04:54 Jeff Pribyl Grammarly Fellow
0

Personally, I am agree that an apology implies a recognition that an injustice ocurred. Instead of take the blame for past actions, we Australians of Anglo-Saxon descent must recognise the hurst of the stolen generations and the decide doing something about it. With apologising, we are building a bridge to reconcillation and to healling.

link comment answered Apr 15 '12 at 11:44 mm mmmmmmm New member

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