please take a look

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Can this be worded a little better? Trying to find something that might be more appealing.

Thanks

See example:

Elite Kicking is about helping the kicker/punter achieve their goals, and become the best they can be.
asked Feb 10 '12 at 16:33 Shane Andrus New member

2 answers


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Two helpful thoughts:

 

One - "kicker/punter," if that term describes two different positions, should not be written this way.  The "/" punctuation is not an appropriate shortcut for the word "or," unless you are speaking in text.  If, however, the position is a single position listed as "kicker/punter," then this is fine.

 

Two - your pronouns do not agree with what they modify.  You talk about "their goals" and the best "they can be."  Whose goals?  The kicker/punter.  You've listed "the kicker/punter" as a single person - something that my first point might help you correct.  If you keep the term as a single person, "their" and "they" are the wrong pronouns because they refer to multiple people.  Even "the kicker or punter" is a singular noun - it is a single person that may be one of two positions.  You're going to have to pick a gender.  I know that sucks, but sometimes you just have to do it.  There are a lot of ways to go about gender choice, but the easiest to read is to make the pronoun gender (a) make sense within context; or (b) if neither makes more sense than the other, use your own gender.  In this context, the male gender makes more sense.  Although I am aware of female kickers and punters, they are less common by far.  Use a masculine pronoun if you keep your subject singular.

link comment answered Feb 10 '12 at 16:57 Rik Kluessendorf Contributor
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Since you asked about making this more appealing and you have capitalized "Elite Kicking", I am guessing that you are trying to sell or market this class or training session to potential attendees.  In addition to the points made by Lewis & Rik, I would like to suggest the thesaurus.  Aiming for "the best they can be" is fairly overused.  If you wan to add some kick (pun intended) to your marketing, spice it up with words that are less common.  Also, I would get rid of "is about" as the reader already knows your sentence is going to tell them what it is about.

 

In the thesaurus, you will find that you can replace "become" with phrases such as: grow into, develop into, emerge as, or transform into.  "Best" can be reworded with: finest, first-class, foremost, outstanding, unparalleled, unrivaled, and more options.  (The hard part about finding the right word there is the factor of each individual not having the talent to really be the best - just their personal best.)  "Help" and "achieve" are other words you can look up in the thesaurus to find a more exciting word. 

 

Marketing has a lot to do with finding the right word to fit (and entice) the market you are aiming at.  Elite is another word for best, but you didn't name it Best Kicking for a reason.  You know your market.  Most people don't own a thesaurus, but you can find a good one at www.thesaurus.com.

link comment edited Feb 11 '12 at 02:14 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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