Punctuation within a sentence
is this correct?
I fell in love so abruptly fast, and it was so intense that love easily became something that I had no control of.
Let's break this piece by piece:
1 - "I fell in love so abruptly fast..."
I would question the use of both "abruptly" and "fast." When it comes down to meanings, the two mean the same thing. Saying them together does not make them mean anything more, and in fact, makes the combination sound very strange. What, exactly, is fast that is not abruptly fast? Sluggishly fast? The two effectively say "so fastly fast," or "so abruptly abrupt." I would pick one or the other - either will work. I will explain in a minute, but I believe the word "so" should be eliminated as well.
2 - "...and it was so intense..."
The sentence, to this point, is about you. The subject is "I." Yet here you use a pronoun for love, "it." Beginning at "and" you are actually incorporating a second complete thought. This is no longer about how quickly you fell in love, it is now about how intense the love became. Strengthen this by saying the subject of the second thought out loud - this is not "it," it is "love."
3 - "...that love easily became something that I had no control of."
This clause ends in a preposition, "of." That is not a strength by any means. It begins to break down at "that." If you rearrange this, it works better anyway by eliminating the second "that" - "...something over which I had no control." Here, I would actually say that you could use a pronoun for love. You are still within your second thought and you are talking about the same subject - "love" - throughout the thought. The love was intense. The love became uncontrollable.
With these suggestions, the sentence would read as follows:
"I fell in love abruptly, and the love was so intense that it easily became something over which I had no control."
|link||answered Feb 07 '12 at 04:32 Rik Kluessendorf Contributor|
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