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Please help me to correct my essay below

See example:

Two models of reflection and reflective will be compared and the author will explain the purpose of choosing the subject that she thinks she know it better and she can use it in the future, the draft will also reflect on the scenarios about herself.
asked Feb 02 '12 at 22:24 GRACE Dube New member

2 answers


1

This is tough because the trouble with the excerpt causes its meaning to be very confusing to a reader.  I'll see if I can understand what you are trying to say before helping you figure out how to say it.

 

If I am understanding properly, you are describing your choice of subject.  The subject you've chosen is the comparison of two models of "reflection and reflective" (which I'll leave alone for a minute).  The reason you've chosen that subject is because you have more knowledge in that subject.  You've also chosen the subject in order to help you use that subject more in the future.  Your essay will describe that subject by using personal anecdotes or examples.

 

Assuming I understood properly, here's where I would begin untangling this.

 

First, be certain that "reflection and reflective" are the proper terms.  For sake of argument, I will assume that they are terms of art and correct as written.  But if they are not terms of art that I am unfamiliar with, check the proper terms for these very carefully.  Reflection on its own, as you have it, is fine - it is a noun.  Reflective on its own, as you have it, is not fine - it is an adjective.  It describes something, but there is nothing here for it to describe.  For that reason, I am suspicious that this is incorrect.  To make it workable, I am going to throw in a generic word - widgets.  For purposes of my own sanity, this will now be known as "reflection and reflective widgets."

 

Now that we're past that, let's look at the grammar.  You've started this with a passive sentence. The actor in your sentence (the author) is not the subject of the sentence.  Passive sentences have their place, but people often overuse them and get into trouble doing so.  Your default should be to use active sentences unless you have a specific reason not to (as in de-emphasizing the actor, hiding something, etc.).  To turn this into an active sentence, let's begin with the actor and action:

 

"The author will compare..."

 

Now we'll add what the author is comparing:

 

"two models of reflection and reflective widgets."

 

For clarity's sake, you've just stated that your paper will compare four things - two models of reflection and two models of reflective widgets.  I assume you intended to do that, so I will leave it, but beware of this as something you may not have intended.

 

End of sentence number one.  The rest is a different thought.  

 

Next sentence - again using the actor and action first, followed by what the action is doing:

 

"The author will explain her purpose..." (it is, in fact, your purpose and not some cosmic purpose chosen for you) "...in choosing this subject..."

 

Because you've just summarized what you are about to state, you can throw in a colon and state the specifics in a mini-sentence at the end of the second sentence (again, actor, action, what the action is doing).

 

"...in choosing this subject:  she is familiar with the topic..." (a better and stronger choice of words than "she thinks she know[s] it better," which compares this topic to something that is undefined in your writing) "...and she expects to use this topic in the future..." (I chose "expects" over "can" because you can technically use anything in the future that continues to exist.  But expecting to use it gives the topic more importance than, say, a paperclip.  Notice that I am removing "it" and replacing that with what "it" is trying to convey - that will help in most situations.  "It" can mean any noun you have stated and a group of words this long is bound to have a few possibilities.  So, it doesn't hurt to remind people what "it" is periodically).

 

End of sentence number two.  Next sentence - actor, action, what the action does:

 

"The draft..." (not really the actor, but as you seem to have noticed, using the same actor each time gets somewhat boring, so you've attempted to switch it up appropriately) "...will also use..." ("reflect," although somewhat clever, given the topic, is really not saying what you want to say here.  A draft is not capable of reflecting on anything.  That would require the ability to think and ponder.  Instead, it's really you using a technique in your draft.  So let's keep the personification of your paper to a minimum.  The word "also" modifies the meaning of this sentence slightly to relate it to the previous sentence.  In other words, the purpose in choosing the topic was that you are familiar with it, you expect to use it in the future, and you can use personal examples in the draft) "...the author's personal examples."  (Again, I am trying to change this to what I think you want to say.  The phrase "...scenarios about herself..." does not fit in this thought at all because "herself" would modify the subject of THIS sentence - the draft.  This thinking, pondering draft is now a female draft.  "Scenarios" may be appropriate, but I think "personal examples" is probably more common speech.  If someone asked me if I had scenarios, I wouldn't know what the hell they were talking about.  But if someone asked me if I had personal examples, it would be very clear).

 

SO - a suggested rewrite would go as follows:

 

"The author will compare two models of reflection and reflective widgets.  The author will explain her purpose in choosing this subject: she is familiar with the topic and she expects to use this topic in the future.  The draft will also use the author's personal examples."

 

See what you think of that.  I hope my explanation didn't get too thick.

link comment answered Feb 03 '12 at 18:42 Rik Kluessendorf Contributor
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Thank you Rik, your explanation was amazing!
link comment answered Feb 05 '12 at 20:01 Di Henderson New member

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