Why is this incorrect?

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How can you rephrase this sentence?

See example:

At the beginning of each game, the lights at the stadium are turned off and a big 17-foot mouth of shark is lowered down.
asked Jan 10 '12 at 05:26 tim flores New member

2 answers


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What direction would something be going if it were lowered?  Down is the only direction, so to say lowered down is redundant.  Also, you need a comma after off because and is joining two separate clauses. 

If I were writing this sentence, it might look something like this --

Before the start of each game, the stadium lights are turned off, and a whopping 17-foot mouth of a shark is lowered.

Big didn't seem to be the right word to describe the colossal size of the shark's mouth.

link comment answered Jan 10 '12 at 13:02 Jody M. Expert
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I agree it is redundant to say "lowered down", and instead of "big" you could use "huge/massive". Finally, if you are more specific about the significance of the why the shark mouth is lowered into the stadium, the sentence would make more sense.  I would rephrase the sentence to say:

 

At the start of each game, the lights are turned off and a massive 17-foot mouth of a shark is lowered into the stadium (to depict/signify/represent....).

link comment answered Jan 10 '12 at 17:57 Shaila Fernandes Expert

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