i need help to fix this esssay

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Also, throughout the case study, the leaders forced their views and overstated the facts; therefore, people hesitated to say what they thought when there was a potential danger involving in these decisions. At critical moments, people were afraid to take responsibility. The team members didn’t feel important enough to discuss problems and concerns openly because they didn’t feel others needed their opinions, or they just didn’t want to make fools out of themselves. Team members were also guilty of emotional reasoning, and let their emotions overrule their reasoning, they reacted to what seemed urgent to them but forgot bigger picture. The over-confidence of leaders, the subtlety of ranking, of responsibilities and authority levels forced tem members to be quite and listen to the superior or person in charge. The critical condition of life and death situation made team members hesitate to share their opinions because they were afraid of certain responsibilities. A numbers of reasons include the fact they were all normal people who were complete strangers to each other. Crucial conversation that should have taken place is that people should have addressed their concerns at the time they arose, rather than keeping it to themselves. Some individuals thought they didn’t have the authority to say anything or make certain decisions, therefore, they kept their opinions to themselves because they didn’t feel it was their place to share. For example, Boukreev, Krakauer and Beidleman would mildly express their concerns but they all felt that they didn’t have the authority to speak up. Also, as a lack of leadership, Hall and Fischer should have allowed for input and feedback from the team rather than making all the decisions. Overall, the necessary crucial conversations never took place causing a great disconnect within the group and ultimately led to certain tragic situations later on.

asked Dec 09 '11 at 07:14 jane tran New member

1 answer


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Jane, this passage is much longer than we can help with in this forum.  But I'll give you some feedback.  This needs quite a bit of tweaking.  Starting a paragraph with the word also put me right in the mood to expect run-on sentences that make for a confusing mess.  To be honest, I didn't finish reading, just scanned because it is too hard to follow a point.  I see ALOT of repetition...  also, therefore, they wouldn't & other words pop up over & over.  My guess is that much of this can be consolidated into clearer thoughts or this should be more than one paragraph. 

 

Try making an outline for the information that you are trying to put forth.  This might help you find the overlapping thoughts.  Remember that "also" means in addition.  Every sentence and paragraph in your paper should have information that is in addition to the previous sentences and paragraphs.  Generally "also" goes without saying.  Reserve its use to the moments when something additional is special. 

 

We sell chocolate and vanilla ice cream.  Now, we also sell strawberry.

 

Therefore is another word that can often go without saying.

We added an ice cream flavor to our menu.  Therefore the customer has more choices.

 

I prefer a more active way to describe a result.  It just sounds more interesting to the reader.

We added an ice cream flavor to our menu, giving our customer more choices.

link comment answered Dec 09 '11 at 20:54 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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