This is an introductory paragraph to an essay of compare/contrast. There are 2 major errors

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This is an introductory paragraph to an essay of compare/contrast. There are 2 major errors occurring. What are they?

 

Ever since I was young I have always had a fascination with animals of all kinds.  I was fortunate enough to live by a river and a field.  By the river I could watch the ducks float around, watch the fish swim, once in a while see a turtle, and once I even saw a crane in the water, which to me is an exotic bird.  In the field hundreds of rabbits run around along with chipmunks, birds of every color would fly around; you might even see a falcon or a hawk, which is rare for the city.  At night time it was like a shift change. You will find deer, raccoons, opossums, and if you are lucky, you may catch sight of a fox romping around. 
 

asked Mar 23 '11 at 23:01 Jean New member

1 answer


1

Jean, 

 

You have some run-on sentences here and some unclear parallelism. the two biggest issues, however, may be that you start in past tense, but change to present and that you start talking about yourself ('I'), but then switch to talk about the reader ('you').  Here are my suggestions:

 

"By the river I could watch the ducks float around, watch the fish swim, once in a while see a turtle, and once I even saw a crane in the water, which to me is an exotic bird. "

 

- After 'by the river' put a comma.

- Place 'once in a while' after 'see a turtle'.  Put an "and' before 'see'.

- After 'while', you should end the sentence.  Start the next sentence with "Once"

- 'Which to me is an exotic bird' is a relative clause that is related to the crane.  Consider removing 'the water' completely so that the relative clause is next to the noun it describes.

 

"In the field hundreds of rabbits run around along with chipmunks, birds of every color would fly around; you might even see a falcon or a hawk, which is rare for the city."

 

- After 'in the field' you need a comma.

- 'along with chipmunks' should be moved to follow 'rabbits'. Consider changing 'along with' to 'and'.

- Change 'run' to 'ran', 'would fly' to 'flew'.

-  Remove 'you might even see' and replace it with: 'sometimes I even saw' (you are using present tense to talk about the past.  You should be using past tense.)

 

Also here:

 

At night time it was like a shift change. You will find deer, raccoons, opossums, and if you are lucky, you may catch sight of a fox romping around. 

 

You probably don't want to use the personal 'you' because you started your paragraph using personal 'I'.  Stick to the same pronoun throughout.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Kim

link comment answered Mar 25 '11 at 16:57 Kimberly Expert

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